I wanted to share a few things that I look for in a therapist and what I want to see happening in my sessions. While I know how the cake is made, I want to be able to take my therapist hat off and engage in the work of expanding my own life.
How do I know it’s a good fit?
There is a real balance that a therapist needs to strike between building a safe space, creating a bond, and interpreting what is happening with truth and kindness.
Have you ever had a therapist that you felt was really nice but who didn’t challenge you to really look at yourself? They are showing you so much understanding and empathy, but somehow you are left almost irritated? These are often ghosting situations because it’s hard to put into words what isn’t working.
I want to feel loved and respected. Respect means the therapist trusts that I can handle the truth, and that I want to work with the truth. It also means that if I feel the therapist is saying something I don’t agree with, that they are open to hearing this. Any therapist that cannot work though a rupture is not a good therapist.
How do I know I’m getting somewhere?
The landscape of sessions can vary from one session to the next. The easier sessions where we are chatting and skimming the surface of things can prepare us for the days that we are going to go deep. I don’t think good therapy is hard. But I do think that real change takes courage and that anything that demands courage is not always going to be easy. I can dread my session, just like anyone else. But I’ll show up for it because I know that I don’t know what will take place. I also show up because showing up really is most of the work.
I know that clients end therapy because they aren’t going deeply enough. Sometimes they are not ready. Sometimes the therapist is not challenging them enough. Can you imagine having a conversation with your therapist, where you bring up your own feelings about how you feel things are going in your sessions? Hard to imagine? It would be a golden opportunity, I promise!
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Is this worth my time and money?
Therapy is expensive and is a big investment of time and emotional energy. I’ve had periods where I needed to cut back and let go of sessions for these reasons (and if I felt a natural space in the work). But I come back to it whenever I can because my whole life is colored by my connection to myself, my ability to care for myself with kindness while I interrogate my patterns. I want to keep growing. Without working things through in a relationship we are left to do it alone, and we cannot see the forest for the trees.
What doesn’t work for me?
I have not always had a queer identified therapist, although I do prefer that. So many things I don’t need to explain! I can ascertain pretty quickly if my whole self won’t be allowed into the session. I’ve had therapists that were not queer identified and it becomes clear pretty quickly if they are affirming or not. Non-queer affirming therapists are a no-go.
I did work with a psychoanalytic therapist for some time. She was queer and I loved her. She was also just finishing her training and in that analytic community passed down from Freud, the therapist reveals very little. I put up with it, but I also challenged her to loosen up a bit. While I don’t do a lot of personal revealing with my clients, I do try to be present as a whole person with a whole life, not a blank slate.
As I’ve said above about striking a balance, any therapist that is too affirming at the expense of showing up with truth won’t work. Just like someone who doesn’t have the compassionate skills to make me feel cared for.
Is this worth my time and money?
Therapy is expensive and is a big investment of time and emotional energy. I’ve had periods where I needed to cut back and let go of sessions for these reasons (and if I felt a natural space in the work). But I come back to it whenever I can because my whole life is colored by my connection to myself, my ability to care for myself with kindness while I interrogate my patterns. I want to keep growing. Without working things through in a relationship we are left to do it alone, and we cannot see the forest for the trees.
What doesn’t work for me?
I have not always had a queer identified therapist, although I do prefer that. So many things I don’t need to explain! I can ascertain pretty quickly if my whole self won’t be allowed into the session. I’ve had therapists that were not queer identified and it becomes clear pretty quickly if they are affirming or not. Non-queer affirming therapists are a no-go.
I did work with a psychoanalytic therapist for some time. She was queer and I loved her. She was also just finishing her training and in that analytic community passed down from Freud, the therapist reveals very little. I put up with it, but I also challenged her to loosen up a bit. While I don’t do a lot of personal revealing with my clients, I do try to be present as a whole person with a whole life, not a blank slate.
As I’ve said above about striking a balance, any therapist that is too affirming at the expense of showing up with truth won’t work. Just like someone who doesn’t have the compassionate skills to make me feel cared for.
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
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