Table of Contents

• Sensate Focus

• A Sexual Date with Yourself

• Queering Your Sex

• An Emotional Conversation with your partner 

• Sex therapy to assist with internal dialogue and reduce pressure 

• Trauma focused therapy for general dissociation 

• Adopting a Body Based Practice

Sex is a very vulnerable and intimate act, and so it can be difficult to stay present as we have sex. Many of us deal with some level distancing from ourselves during sex, or spectatoring. Maybe this is due to self consciousness about our bodies, our performance, the thoughts of our sexual partner(s), etc. 

Here are 6 tips for getting more present and embodied during sex. 

1. Sensate Focus

William Masters and Virginia Johnson, the pioneers of sex therapy, created an exercise to help get more embodied during sex, which they called Sensate Focus. 

Sensate focus is all about mindful, non-goal oriented touch. You open up a space with a partner where the goal is not sex or orgasm, but rather simple exploratory touch, typically avoiding touching genitals. You set the intention to focus on things like temperature, pressure, and texture only. The goal is to shift attention from performance or orgasm to the moment-to-moment sensory experience of touch and connection. Arousal is welcome, but not expected, and shouldn’t create an expectation of any kind. 

You want to start slow and simple and build over time, gradually increasing your capacity to stay in your body and experience your feelings while engaging physically with another. 

Example Script: Find a quiet, peaceful and comfortable space. Agree on a time limit, maybe 15 minutes each, and take turns. 

Partner A (giving touch):
“I’m going to explore touching your body—not to arouse you, but to notice how it feels to my hands. Let me know if anything feels uncomfortable.”

Partner B (receiving touch):
“I’m going to focus on my internal sensations—warmth, pressure, texture—without needing to respond or perform.”

Instructions:

• Use your whole hand to gently touch areas like shoulders, arms, back, legs.

• Focus on texture, temperature, and pressure.

• No genitals, breasts, or goal-oriented behavior.

• After time’s up, debrief briefly without judgment, then switch. 

2. A Sexual Date with Yourself 

Look, sex can be complicated. But good, present sex with others starts with good, present sex with yourself. Make an extended masturbation date with yourself and actually put it on the calendar, at least 30 minutes long. 

Set the scene in whatever way works for you. Maybe it’s lighting candles, eliminating distractions, or taking a bath. 

Focus on slowing things way down. Spend time touching parts of your body that aren’t your genitals. Notice what feels difficult in giving yourself that kind of attention, and then work with those difficulties. Touch yourself in slightly different ways that work better for you. Learn the language of your own body. Experiment, and have fun. 

As much as we like to fast forward to the part that gets us off the most, watch the porn you like from start to finish. When you feel an impulse to rush, just notice the impulse, and draw yourself back to sensation and presence. 

3. Queering Your Sex

Often sex is disembodied because we’re following sexual scripts that are not authentic to who we are, or simply too rigid and boring. We might feel that our gender identity or sexual orientation requires us to show up in a certain way during sex. We cling to scripts because they feel safe and protect us from vulnerability or humiliation/rejection. But experimenting with these scripts, or even flipping them on their head, can invite an entirely new level of embodiment and creativity to our sex lives. 

Think about where you might feel comfortable experimenting with queering your sex. Maybe it’s with a new partner, or maybe it’s with someone you know and trust. Try to go into each experience with an open mind and follow your body and mind’s spontaneous desires. It takes time so don’t be hard on yourself, start small and build up the queer muscle.

4. An Emotional Conversation with your partner 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a client in therapy say that they had amazing sex right after an emotional conversation with their partner. 

Starting emotional conversations and addressing built up tension can be very challenging and takes courage. One thing that can make it easier is having a monthly check in meeting with your partner, with time for sex after if it feels right. 

If it feels right, you can open up with your sexual partner about your experience of spectatoring, and how you might need to slow things down at times, or do some sensual exercises together between sessions