Becoming Nothing, Becoming Everything

Megan Murphy, Expansive Cofounder

The Relationship Repair

We are human, we make mistakes. Some small, some large. The size of the mistake isn’t measured by the intention of the perpetrator, but by the person who feels offended. If it’s a large mistake, whether you meant it or not, the hurt will be large for both of you.

To be clear, I’m talking about mistakes between two fairly well intentioned people. There are certainly times when apology and repair are not warranted.

When hurt arises between two people everyone wants to get away from it.

This usually means the person who feels hurt first wants to blame. Blaming is like picking up the rock someone threw at you and throwing it back. (Even if the rock incident was a mistake). . This makes sense. You want that hurt out of your system as fast as possible. The person who caused the hurt wants to get away from it too, which usually means defending oneself about not meaning to cause hurt, or feeling as though they have a good reason to be angry, and therefore, to throw a rock at you.

Even if it’s true that what you said or did was totally innocent, this hurt that arose is an opportunity to understand the other person in a deeper way.

Here is how we become nothing (and this is a good thing)

When I say ‘nothing’ what I mean is to become, momentarily, disconnected from being a separate solid self, and instead, inhabiting the space and energy between the two of you. This means leaving your singular position (which always feels like it’s right) and being in the space of the hurt that has arisen.

It may seem that one person is the offender and the other person is holding the hurt. It may seem like there is a right and a wrong. But the truth is that the energy of the pain is shared by you both. When you realize this, that there is pain between you, you can begin to let go of yourself and of your separateness. You can start to do this just by acknowledging that hurt is happening. If you can be in this truth, in the experience of feeling the hurt that is happening, then maybe you can also let down your defense and have room to say, “I definitely don’t want you to hurt”.

No one is happy when the hurt is pulsing between you both. But now, at least, we are sitting side by side in this experience. That is pretty much everything.

The Relationship Repair

To be clear, I’m talking about mistakes between two fairly well intentioned people. There are certainly times when apology and repair are not warranted.

When hurt arises between two people everyone wants to get away from it.

Even if it’s true that what you said or did was totally innocent, this hurt that arose is an opportunity to understand the other person in a deeper way.

Here is how we become nothing (and this is a good thing)

No one is happy when the hurt is pulsing between you both. But now, at least, we are sitting side by side in this experience. That is pretty much everything.

The Relationship Repair

To be clear, I’m talking about mistakes between two fairly well intentioned people. There are certainly times when apology and repair are not warranted.

When hurt arises between two people everyone wants to get away from it.

Even if it’s true that what you said or did was totally innocent, this hurt that arose is an opportunity to understand the other person in a deeper way.

Here is how we become nothing (and this is a good thing)

No one is happy when the hurt is pulsing between you both. But now, at least, we are sitting side by side in this experience. That is pretty much everything.

Let me walk you through a scenario.

I say something to my partner (and I have a mile long list of times that this has happened) that hurts their feelings. Sometimes I’ll know it right away. Sometimes they will call me up and tell me later. Neither of these are a happy scenario for me. But with practice I have learned to set myself aside and be totally present for their experience. I’ve set aside the need to be separate and right, and isn’t this what we want to do for someone we say we love? Or like?

Becoming nothing takes practice and psychic muscle.

Instead of leaping into my own defense (Oh wow, I did not mean to do that. When you said…) I can now validate feelings. Because now I know that it’s all happening, not only in each of us, but in the space between us. It is happening in our relationship. You can use words like, “I hear you saying” or “Let me make sure I understand you” but none of these particulars are important. What matters is that you feel the hurt with them. And when you can do this, you are together.

Relationship is created through repair.

They may ask you about how it happened, what you were thinking or intending, and you can honestly look at yourself and tell whatever messy truthful thing is real. “I forgot you.” Or. “I think I was mad and was being passive aggressive.”

Sometimes we are still mad and we are not ready to do any of this. That’s ok. It just means you need some space. You can trust this. Most people need space to fully understand their feelings and what they want and need.

And this is how we become everything

When you are able to acknowledge the hurt, see that it is between you, take responsibility for it, hold it gently like a fuzzy chick, then you have begun the difficult and meaningful work of real repair. We are not good people or bad people, but we are every kind of people. If you think you are just the good parts, well then, life may throw you some surprises.