Table of Contents

• What is Spectatoring?

• Sensate Focus

• A Sexual Date with Yourself

• An Emotional Conversation with your partner 

• Sex therapy to assist with internal dialogue and reduce pressure 

• Trauma focused therapy for general dissociation 

• Adopting a Body Based Practice

Do you feel present in your body during sex? Or do you feel like you are outside your body, watching yourself and observing the experience? To some degree it likely changes from experience to experience, and even within a single experience. The pioneers of sex therapy, William Masters & Virginia Johnson, created a term for the latter, more detached phenomenon: Spectatoring. 

Spectatoring is characterized by a dissociated sexual state where we typically worry about things like how our body looks and how we are performing instead of being present and experiencing embodied sexual pleasure. We often get stuck in a loop of self monitoring that interrupts the natural flow of the experience. It’s as if we are both the actor and a critical member of the audience at the same time. 

What does that actually look or feel like? It’s different for everyone, but what I’ve often heard in the therapy room is a general feeling of detachment from the body, wondering if they are doing “okay” or “good enough,” worrying about how certain parts of their body look, worrying about if they are going to stay hard or orgasm, worrying that their partner isn’t having a good enough time, etc. I remember one person telling me that they looked at their partner’s penis and were wondering if they were actually attracted to it. And of course, all of this worrying and wondering comes at the expense of pleasure seeking and satisfaction. 

Spectatoring can often lead to difficult symptoms, such as: 

• Decreased arousal 

• Difficulty achieving orgasm

• Disconnection from sexual partner

• General anxiety during and after the experience

• Feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness

• Shame spirals 

• Self doubt and avoidance of sex 

Spectatoring is not an uncommon experience. Partnered sex is probably the most intimate and vulnerable thing we can do with another person, and so a certain degree of distancing and dissociation can occur for most of us at some point depending on a huge variety of factors, i.e. partner, chemistry, mood, and particular sex act. 

Spectatoring isn’t necessarily a black and white experience either. We might have parts of us that feel present during sex, and we might be able to access pleasure to a certain degree, while other parts of us are more dissociated and judgmental. It’s an experience that most people can relate to on some level, but for some it is more severe where the monitoring, self-critical thoughts, and distancing from self make it so sexual pleasure and presence during partnered sex are nearly impossible. 

Finally, for folks with Complex PTSD and similar issues, spectatoring might be part of a larger pattern of dissociation that affects most or all aspects of life. If that is your experience, you are not alone and there is hope, many of the tips below are good starting points for general dissociation as well. 

6 Tips for Working through Spectatoring to be more Present During Sex 

If the above sounds familiar to you, you are absolutely not alone, and you have a lot of reasons to be hopeful. Growing up with porn didn’t exactly teach us how to be present during sex, so consider this the beginning of a new chapter for you of seeking more embodied sex. 

So how do we move towards embodied presence? Here are 6 tips. 

1. Sensate Focus

When Masters and Johnson first coined the term Spectatoring, they also created an exercise to help get more embodied during sex, which they called Sensate Focus. 

Sensate focus is all about mindful, non-goal oriented touch. You open up a space with a partner where the goal is not sex or orgasm, but rather simple exploratory touch, typically avoiding touching genitals. You set the intention to focus on things like temperature, pressure, and texture only. The goal is to shift attention from performance or orgasm to the moment-to-moment sensory experience of touch and connection. Arousal is welcome, but not expected, and shouldn’t create an expectation of any kind. 

You want to start slow and simple and build over time, gradually increasing your capacity to stay in your body and experience your feelings while engaging physically with another. 

Example Script: Find a quiet, peaceful and comfortable space. Agree on a time limit, maybe 15 minutes each, and take turns. 

Partner A (giving touch):
“I’m going to explore touching your body—not to arouse you, but to notice how it feels to my hands. Let me know if anything feels uncomfortable.”

Partner B (receiving touch):
“I’m going to focus on my internal sensations—warmth, pressure, texture—without needing to respond or perform.”

Instructions:

• Use your whole hand to gently touch areas like shoulders, arms, back, legs.

• Focus on texture, temperature, and pressure.

• No genitals, breasts, or goal-oriented behavior.

• After time’s up, debrief briefly without judgment, then switch. 

2. A Sexual Date with Yourself 

Good sex with others starts with good sex with yourself. Make an extended masturbation date with yourself and actually put it on the calendar, at least an hour long. 

Focus on slowing things way down. Spend time touching parts of your body that aren’t your genitals. Notice what feels difficult in giving yourself that kind of attention, and then work with those difficulties. Touch yourself in slightly different ways that work better for you. Learn the language of your own body. Experiment, and have fun. 

As much as we like to fast forward to the part that gets us off the most, watch the porn you like from start to finish. When you feel an impulse to rush, just notice the impulse, and draw yourself back to sensation and presence. 

3. An Emotional Conversation with your partner 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a client in therapy say that they had amazing sex right after an emotional conversation with their partner. 

Starting emotional conversations and addressing built up tension can be very challenging and takes courage. One thing that can make it easier is having a monthly check in meeting with your partner, with time for sex after if it feels right. 

If it feels right, you can open up with your sexual partner about your experience of spectatoring, and how you might need to slow things down at times, or do some sensual exercises together between sessions. 

4. Sex therapy to assist with internal dialogue and reduce pressure 

Sex therapists are very familiar with the experience of spectatoring and the internal dialogue that goes along with it. Sex therapy can be a great and affirming space to get all those annoying voices out into the open. 

It can also be a great space to make conscious all that pressure you are putting on yourself around sex - the pressure to get hard/wet, the pressure to perform, the pressure to cum, the pressure to play a certain role, etc. Sex therapy can help you to write new scripts around sex that are more pleasure and presence focused. 

5. Trauma focused therapy for general dissociation 

If spectatoring ties into a broader pattern of dissociation for you, you are not alone! Many people with PTSD and Complex PTSD feel a chronic sense of watching their life from the outside. Healing is gradual, and you don’t want to try for too much too soon. . 

Seek out a therapist who is trauma informed and focused. Modalities like Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing can be very effective. Bodywork or massage can also be a great place to start, and don’t forget to tell your massage therapist what types of touch work for you and what types don’t. Remember to go slow, challenging yourself without overwhelming the system. 

6. Adopting a Body Based Practice 

You’ve heard it from therapists a thousand times. One of the best ways to get back into our bodies for any activity is having a regular somatic practice. 

Every nervous system is different so you want to figure out what works for you without pressure or judgment. Maybe it’s yoga, or maybe yoga is not for you because it creates a similar spectatoring experience. Maybe it’s meditation, or a sport, or tai-chi, or dancing at the clurb. 

Most important of all, go easy on yourself, move slowly and chip away. Sex is complicated for all of us, and becoming more embodied is a gradual project. Maybe just try one of the above tips for a few months and see how that goes. 

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