We get a lot of cultural messaging around the separation between our romantic relationships and our friendships. According to these pervasive scripts, your primary partner is the only person that you should go to therapy with, the only person you should be striving to do deeper healing work with, and the only relationship where real issues surface. We have to ask ourselves, why? 

A friendship is defined by those same scripts as a relationship that is lighter, easier, everlasting, and with someone who always has your back. But as we all know, real friendships are always shifting, deepening, getting disrupted, distancing, breaking through, breaking up, and getting tested in the same way that intimate partnerships are. 

In the queer community in particular, friendship takes on an added layer of importance, and because of that importance, complexity. Our close friends often take on equal or greater roles in our lives than our biological families. 

Chosen family often gets glorified in the media. We come out of the closet and our chosen family stands there waiting with open arms to embrace us for exactly who we are and help us grow into our most fabulous queer selves. Yeah… right. This portrayal actually puts queer people at risk of further isolation and shame because it can set up a dangerous expectation of getting the support we need without putting in the hard work. 

Chosen family doesn’t just happen. It takes vulnerability, accountability, a willingness and ability to show up when things get hard, a strong foundation built over many years, mutual trust, an ability to repair ruptures, plus the fun stuff - common interests, laughter, shared history, a bit of shady gossip, and love! 

Once you begin to realize that someone is becoming a part of your chosen family, you want to be intentional about deepening that bond. Often loving someone as a friend isn’t enough. Old attachment patterns and trauma surface, and because you haven’t put in a lot of emotional work together, the relationship doesn’t have a strong enough foundation to survive that kind of emotional challenge. 

Yes, Chosen Family Therapy is a thing. You and one of your closest friends can go to therapy together and work through your stuff. 

If you find yourself struggling to get over the hump with your closest friends, if your friendships feel more peripheral than deep and meaningful, or if you’ve had some rough friend breakups that left you confused and hurt, consider having a handful of chosen family therapy sessions with a queer affirming therapist who understands the value and importance of chosen family relationships. 

At the very least, it communicates to each other that you really care about the relationship and want to make it better. Beyond that, it will help you to build a stronger foundation, to accept each other for your differences, to work through tension that has built up, to figure out what each other’s growth edges are, and to gain tools for working through conflict. All of this will put less pressure on the search for a primary partner to complete you or save you. A strong chosen family combats old shame narratives and creates an internal feeling of okayness that allows you to expand into your full queer self regardless of whether you are single or partnered. 

Expansive Therapy is a 100% queer owned therapy practice and we are proud to offer Chosen Family Therapy. Simply reach out to our office manager at info@expansivetherapy.com or text 917-426-1521 to request a free consultation.