For most of us, dating is a mixed bag of excitement and dread. Dating experiences often serve as mirrors reflecting our self-worth. Positive interactions can bolster self-esteem, affirming our attractiveness and desirability. On the other hand, negative experiences or rejections can dent our confidence, triggering feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. It's crucial to recognize that these experiences are not definitive judgments of our worth but rather opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Here are three main ways that I encourage clients to reframe their approach to dating to encourage more self-reflection.
What am I really looking for?
In dating, there's a frequent inclination to assume that what you desire in a partner is what you truly need (or are ready for) in your life. But that assumption isn't always true. You may envision an ideal partner or relationship based on superficial qualities or societal expectations. For example, I see clients who assume they want a monogamous partner but continue to find their own joy in dating ethically non-monogamous people. In therapy, this can open the door to exploring what they truly need in a partnership, or partnerships! I’ve also seen clients who assume their ideal soulmate will be a specific gender, but their dates with people of that gender never feel right. That can be the catalyst for examining their own sexual orientation and/or the way they want to experience their gender in connection to the people they date. Achieving clarity about our own values, goals, and emotional needs is crucial. It’s not just about finding someone who fits a checklist but understanding what truly fulfills us and fosters a meaningful connection. By aligning our intentions with our authentic desires, we increase the chances of building a relationship that is both satisfying and lasting.
For most of us, dating is a mixed bag of excitement and dread. Dating experiences often serve as mirrors reflecting our self-worth. Positive interactions can bolster self-esteem, affirming our attractiveness and desirability. On the other hand, negative experiences or rejections can dent our confidence, triggering feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. It's crucial to recognize that these experiences are not definitive judgments of our worth but rather opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Here are three main ways that I encourage clients to reframe their approach to dating to encourage more self-reflection.
What am I really looking for?
In dating, there's a frequent inclination to assume that what you desire in a partner is what you truly need (or are ready for) in your life. But that assumption isn't always true. You may envision an ideal partner or relationship based on superficial qualities or societal expectations. For example, I see clients who assume they want a monogamous partner but continue to find their own joy in dating ethically non-monogamous people. In therapy, this can open the door to exploring what they truly need in a partnership, or partnerships! I’ve also seen clients who assume their ideal soulmate will be a specific gender, but their dates with people of that gender never feel right. That can be the catalyst for examining their own sexual orientation and/or the way they want to experience their gender in connection to the people they date. Achieving clarity about our own values, goals, and emotional needs is crucial. It’s not just about finding someone who fits a checklist but understanding what truly fulfills us and fosters a meaningful connection. By aligning our intentions with our authentic desires, we increase the chances of building a relationship that is both satisfying and lasting.
For most of us, dating is a mixed bag of excitement and dread. Dating experiences often serve as mirrors reflecting our self-worth. Positive interactions can bolster self-esteem, affirming our attractiveness and desirability. On the other hand, negative experiences or rejections can dent our confidence, triggering feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. It's crucial to recognize that these experiences are not definitive judgments of our worth but rather opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Here are three main ways that I encourage clients to reframe their approach to dating to encourage more self-reflection.
What am I really looking for?
In dating, there's a frequent inclination to assume that what you desire in a partner is what you truly need (or are ready for) in your life. But that assumption isn't always true. You may envision an ideal partner or relationship based on superficial qualities or societal expectations. For example, I see clients who assume they want a monogamous partner but continue to find their own joy in dating ethically non-monogamous people. In therapy, this can open the door to exploring what they truly need in a partnership, or partnerships! I’ve also seen clients who assume their ideal soulmate will be a specific gender, but their dates with people of that gender never feel right. That can be the catalyst for examining their own sexual orientation and/or the way they want to experience their gender in connection to the people they date. Achieving clarity about our own values, goals, and emotional needs is crucial. It’s not just about finding someone who fits a checklist but understanding what truly fulfills us and fosters a meaningful connection. By aligning our intentions with our authentic desires, we increase the chances of building a relationship that is both satisfying and lasting.
Are my "must-haves" related to my sense of self-worth?
Many clients come to therapy with a specific checklist of what they are looking for in a romantic relationship - even down to their ideal partner's income + rock-hard eight pack abs. Now, while I never suggest “settling” and always encourage clients to manifest their dream lover, I also suggest that fixed checklist items like these can be born out of a lack of self-worth or a need for external validation. For example, if you are working through insecurities about your own body, and you're looking for someone with an eight-pack, is that because you're genuinely attracted to an 8-pack, or because you think being with that person would increase your attractiveness to others? This type of distinction is important to make for ourselves, because we can then identify if what we are looking for will be sustainable. This doesn't mean you can't have that eight-pack partner if it's what you want. It just means that you can go into your dating search with more clarity for yourself.
Take time to tend to your own sense of enoughness.
Self-esteem and feeling “enough” 'is the lens through which we see ourselves—our worth, capabilities, and value. When it comes to dating, our self-esteem significantly shapes our attitudes and behaviors. Healthy self-esteem fosters confidence, assertiveness, and resilience in navigating romantic connections. Conversely, low self-esteem can lead to self-doubt, insecurity, and a fear of rejection, potentially sabotaging relationship potential. No matter who you are or what you’re looking for, I have noticed in my practice in working with those who are dating, that self-esteem is what takes center stage. While we may be looking outward to validate something within us via dating (are we hot enough, smart enough, etc.), our self-esteem before going into a date is paramount to the date’s success. Furthermore, low self-esteem can often be a subconscious catalyst to choosing a partner that reinforces those beliefs. We often attract the love we think we deserve. How do you build self-esteem? Start by acknowledging your strengths and accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. Practicing self-compassion and challenging negative self-talk can also help shift your perspective to one of self-acceptance and confidence. Engaging in activities that you enjoy and that reinforce your sense of self-worth can further boost your self-esteem, making you feel more grounded and secure in yourself. Remember that this is a lifetime process, and give yourself credit and compassion daily. As RuPaul says, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?
