Why is it that sex, one of the most natural and innate human behaviors, can sometimes feel far from natural? Whether in individual or couple’s therapy, the topic of sex brings up a wide range of emotions. Clients grapple with feelings of jealousy and insecurity, fears of intimacy and abandonment, a desire for the erotic, or a longing for a deeper connection. From exploring kinks and role playing, domination and control, monogamy and polyamory, to addressing sexual dysfunctions and sex addiction, the subject of sex is deep and complex. While non-human animals seem to engage in sexual acts without a second thought, sex between humans is often layered and complex. And so, what is it about sex between human beings that is so complicated?
The Conundrum of Erotica
I wanted to answer this question, or at least attempt to! I delved into the work of various sex and couples’ therapists, reflecting on their research and my own experiences with my clients. I found a common theme. Humans are constantly balancing two conflicting needs when it comes to sexual desires - the need for security and the need for passion. We all share a fundamental need for security that is linked to our evolutionary drive for survival. Security demands predictability and the comfort of knowing our partner. At the same time, we are also balancing another powerful need: the need for adventure, novelty and passion. Passion is erotic and inherently unpredictable. In many ways it’s the opposite of safe. It can be argued, where there is one, the other struggles to exist.
This duality explains that while we might crave exciting, passionate sex, a part of us is also frightened by it. We are afraid that if we surrender ourselves to our deepest and “darkest” erotic desires, we might see ourselves or our partners differently. If you have doubts about this, just think about your own sexual fantasies and how often what you fantasize about in secret might seem like a far reach in real life. Eroticism and passion challenge our sense of self and it is for this very reason that it threatens our sense of security and control. Yet, it is this very feeling of passion and of the erotic that draws us to another person, making us feel alive. It is this passion that connects us so deeply and so beautifully to another. The absence of passion causes many couples to find their relationships deteriorating, sometimes making couples part ways.
Why is it that sex, one of the most natural and innate human behaviors, can sometimes feel far from natural? Whether in individual or couple’s therapy, the topic of sex brings up a wide range of emotions. Clients grapple with feelings of jealousy and insecurity, fears of intimacy and abandonment, a desire for the erotic, or a longing for a deeper connection. From exploring kinks and role playing, domination and control, monogamy and polyamory, to addressing sexual dysfunctions and sex addiction, the subject of sex is deep and complex. While non-human animals seem to engage in sexual acts without a second thought, sex between humans is often layered and complex. And so, what is it about sex between human beings that is so complicated?
The Conundrum of Erotica
I wanted to answer this question, or at least attempt to! I delved into the work of various sex and couples’ therapists, reflecting on their research and my own experiences with my clients. I found a common theme. Humans are constantly balancing two conflicting needs when it comes to sexual desires - the need for security and the need for passion. We all share a fundamental need for security that is linked to our evolutionary drive for survival. Security demands predictability and the comfort of knowing our partner. At the same time, we are also balancing another powerful need: the need for adventure, novelty and passion. Passion is erotic and inherently unpredictable. In many ways it’s the opposite of safe. It can be argued, where there is one, the other struggles to exist.
This duality explains that while we might crave exciting, passionate sex, a part of us is also frightened by it. We are afraid that if we surrender ourselves to our deepest and “darkest” erotic desires, we might see ourselves or our partners differently. If you have doubts about this, just think about your own sexual fantasies and how often what you fantasize about in secret might seem like a far reach in real life. Eroticism and passion challenge our sense of self and it is for this very reason that it threatens our sense of security and control. Yet, it is this very feeling of passion and of the erotic that draws us to another person, making us feel alive. It is this passion that connects us so deeply and so beautifully to another. The absence of passion causes many couples to find their relationships deteriorating, sometimes making couples part ways.
Why is it that sex, one of the most natural and innate human behaviors, can sometimes feel far from natural? Whether in individual or couple’s therapy, the topic of sex brings up a wide range of emotions. Clients grapple with feelings of jealousy and insecurity, fears of intimacy and abandonment, a desire for the erotic, or a longing for a deeper connection. From exploring kinks and role playing, domination and control, monogamy and polyamory, to addressing sexual dysfunctions and sex addiction, the subject of sex is deep and complex. While non-human animals seem to engage in sexual acts without a second thought, sex between humans is often layered and complex. And so, what is it about sex between human beings that is so complicated?
The Conundrum of Erotica
I wanted to answer this question, or at least attempt to! I delved into the work of various sex and couples’ therapists, reflecting on their research and my own experiences with my clients. I found a common theme. Humans are constantly balancing two conflicting needs when it comes to sexual desires - the need for security and the need for passion. We all share a fundamental need for security that is linked to our evolutionary drive for survival. Security demands predictability and the comfort of knowing our partner. At the same time, we are also balancing another powerful need: the need for adventure, novelty and passion. Passion is erotic and inherently unpredictable. In many ways it’s the opposite of safe. It can be argued, where there is one, the other struggles to exist.
This duality explains that while we might crave exciting, passionate sex, a part of us is also frightened by it. We are afraid that if we surrender ourselves to our deepest and “darkest” erotic desires, we might see ourselves or our partners differently. If you have doubts about this, just think about your own sexual fantasies and how often what you fantasize about in secret might seem like a far reach in real life. Eroticism and passion challenge our sense of self and it is for this very reason that it threatens our sense of security and control. Yet, it is this very feeling of passion and of the erotic that draws us to another person, making us feel alive. It is this passion that connects us so deeply and so beautifully to another. The absence of passion causes many couples to find their relationships deteriorating, sometimes making couples part ways.
The Power of Our Imagination
Our human brains have developed greatly from our reptilian ancestors. This development allows us to problem solve, communicate verbally, enhance our memory, and engage in complex learning. This development also allows us to use the remarkable power of imagination. Human beings are the only animals who have the capacity to reach sexual climax without needing to be physically touched, simply through the power of imagination!
Sex, therefore, is not only about the body, but one of the ‘thinking mind’ as well - to be sexually aroused, we need to be aroused mentally. This means we care about things like how we feel when we engage in having sex with someone else, how our sexual partner makes us feel about ourselves, and more. Often, sexual attraction has little to do with the objective qualities of another person but rather our own projections onto that person and our response to those projections. Since we are not only balancing conflicting needs in sex, but also now a whole mind-body alignment, sex at times can be about a lot more than the act itself.
The deeper I go down this rabbit-hole, the more I realize that our sexual desires are deeply rooted in our own unconscious inner processes, having little to do with our partner and more to do with our own comfort with ourselves and our ability to embrace our erotic desires and passions.
A Route to Deeper Connection
This begs the question, how can we use all this information to our advantage? According to sex therapists like Esther Perel and Stephen Mitchell, the answer lies in recognizing that the sense of security we feel with a partner is often an illusion. True balance comes when we allow ourselves to let go of the illusion of control and allow ourselves to surrender to the other. This surrender in its very nature is scary and unpredictable, but essential for deep sexual connection.
In real life, this can look like having an open conversation with our partner about our needs and fantasies or looking deep within ourselves into what limiting beliefs we might carry in regards to our own sexual desires. It requires us to explore our own cultural conditioning and any unconscious shame we might carry around sex. It also calls for trust in -ourselves and our partner- to explore fantasies and take those risks knowing that the rewards can be great. It is when we let go of the need for control and allow ourselves to be truly seen and witnessed by another that we can fully allow for a mind-body connection with another person.
I believe that we can only meet another person as authentically as we can meet ourselves. Can we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, face our fears, and be brave enough to give up and surrender to another and our own bodily pleasure? It is through this very abandon to the unknown that we are rewarded. In the end, the more I read about sex, the more I realized that sex has very little to do with sex itself, and a lot more to do with everything else. It is in accepting and showing parts of ourselves to another that we are able to connect sexually in a more profound way.
