Identity
Aromanticism: What It Means and Therapy’s Role
Miyu Sakurai, Resident Therapist
How Amatonormativity impacts us
From a young age we are taught that our ultimate goal in life is striving for our own “happily ever after,” – a partner that we are romantically attracted to. This is the expectation, and what we strive for until some of us start to realize that this path might not actually give us the happiness and satisfaction that we were led to expect.
Amatonormativity devalues other types of relationships, such as friendships, and tells us that romantic relationships should be the priority above all. This can be isolating for those questioning how romantic relationships fit into their lives, if a romantic relationship fits at all, especially when we wish to prioritize our friendships and other non-romantic connections. In an amatonormative world, aromantic individuals can feel alienated because society often fails to recognize the validity of non-romantic relationships, pressuring them to find the "love of their lives."
What makes it difficult for those who identify as aromantic to thrive in an amatonormative world is that we cannot prove a lack of romantic attraction. Many aromantic individuals have been told, “Oh, you’ll understand when it happens,” making it hard to feel secure in an aromantic identity..
Making peace with not knowing
It’s important to remember that we never have to prove anything to anyone about our own sexual or romantic identity. At the same time, feeling secure in one's own identity is a stepping stone to building confidence in the relationships we have with ourselves and others and lets us explore what kind of future we want.
“Feeling secure” in an aromantic identity might look like being okay with not knowing. It might be “I might never want a romantic relationship, I might find an alloromantic partner that I feel companionship with, or I might experience romantic attraction one day.” We often rush to label ourselves for the convenience of others. The beauty of an aromantic identity is that there is room for anything to happen in the future. For now, we have the freedom to have fun and explore.
Finding your relationship style
Some aromantic individuals might want the companionship that comes with a traditional romantic relationship. Others might want a family, and others will prefer to remain single and cherish their non-romantic relationships. Just because you do not experience romantic attraction as it’s portrayed in the media doesn’t mean you cannot build meaningful relationships and lead a satisfying life.
Some questions that might be helpful to ask yourself as you embark on this lifelong journey are;
1. What would I want my life to look like if it was just me and no one else was telling me what I’m supposed to want?
2. Who do I want to be and who are the people that I value in my life?
3. What types of relationships feel good and supportive to me, if any, versus what relationships feel forced?
4.What does a good emotional connection feel and look like for me?
Finding your relationship style can be vulnerable and emotionally exhausting at times, but it can also be fun! When you feel stuck or tired, it can be helpful to look back and reflect on how much you have grown and learned about yourself through the process.
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