Identity

Aromanticism: What It Means and Therapy’s Role

Miyu Sakurai, Resident Therapist

Introduction

We live in a world filled with romance, from dating apps to movies, where we constantly witness the joys and pains of loving another person. Society often assumes that people thrive in romantic, exclusive relationships.

However, not everyone relates to the idea of romance that we see in our lives and in the media. We might ask ourselves; “What is it like to love somebody?” or “What is love?” These questions may lead us to explore our romantic drives and consider identifying as aromantic.

What does it mean to be aromantic?

Aromantic: A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction.

Alloromantic: A person who experiences romantic attraction.

Amatonormativity: The widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and that everyone is seeking such a relationship. (Elizabeth Brake)

Romantic Attraction: This can be an array of different things, but generally it is described as wanting high emotional intimacy with another person through romantic actions such as cuddling, getting to know each other, giving gifts, etc.

How Amatonormativity impacts us

From a young age we are taught that our ultimate goal in life is striving for our own “happily ever after,” – a partner that we are romantically attracted to. This is the expectation, and what we strive for until some of us start to realize that this path might not actually give us the happiness and satisfaction that we were led to expect.

Amatonormativity devalues other types of relationships, such as friendships, and tells us that romantic relationships should be the priority above all. This can be isolating for those questioning how romantic relationships fit into their lives, if a romantic relationship fits at all, especially when we wish to prioritize our friendships and other non-romantic connections. In an amatonormative world, aromantic individuals can feel alienated because society often fails to recognize the validity of non-romantic relationships, pressuring them to find the "love of their lives."

What makes it difficult for those who identify as aromantic to thrive in an amatonormative world is that we cannot prove a lack of romantic attraction. Many aromantic individuals have been told, “Oh, you’ll understand when it happens,” making it hard to feel secure in an aromantic identity..

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Making peace with not knowing

It’s important to remember that we never have to prove anything to anyone about our own sexual or romantic identity. At the same time, feeling secure in one's own identity is a stepping stone to building confidence in the relationships we have with ourselves and others and lets us explore what kind of future we want.

“Feeling secure” in an aromantic identity might look like being okay with not knowing. It might be “I might never want a romantic relationship, I might find an alloromantic partner that I feel companionship with, or I might experience romantic attraction one day.” We often rush to label ourselves for the convenience of others. The beauty of an aromantic identity is that there is room for anything to happen in the future. For now, we have the freedom to have fun and explore.

Finding your relationship style

Some aromantic individuals might want the companionship that comes with a traditional romantic relationship. Others might want a family, and others will prefer to remain single and cherish their non-romantic relationships. Just because you do not experience romantic attraction as it’s portrayed in the media doesn’t mean you cannot build meaningful relationships and lead a satisfying life.

Some questions that might be helpful to ask yourself as you embark on this lifelong journey are;

1. What would I want my life to look like if it was just me and no one else was telling me what I’m supposed to want?

2. Who do I want to be and who are the people that I value in my life?

3. What types of relationships feel good and supportive to me, if any, versus what relationships feel forced?

4.What does a good emotional connection feel and look like for me?

Finding your relationship style can be vulnerable and emotionally exhausting at times, but it can also be fun! When you feel stuck or tired, it can be helpful to look back and reflect on how much you have grown and learned about yourself through the process.