Shame is a necessary emotion. It is what gives us empathy and makes us accountable for our behavior. When a child does something wrong, they feel a sense of shame for their behavior. The issue arises when this feeling of shame is internalized to our sense of worth and our identity. It is the difference between, “I made a mistake, I messed up,” and “I made a mistake, I am a mistake”. It is when we take our behavior or the part of ourselves we don’t like and make it a reflection of our entire selves and self worth. Shame is possibly the most uncomfortable of emotions for us to tolerate. It is because of this that we often spend most of our lives trying to avoid the feeling of shame being triggered within ourselves. Shame makes us want to either behave in ways that portray us as better than others or on the flip side, but very similar, will make us shrink ourselves and play small. 

It's all about Connection: The Need for Attachment

The first question that comes to mind is where does this belief come from and how does it develop? The roots of our toxic shame, unsurprisingly so, are linked to our primal years when we are making sense of the world. As children we are entirely helpless to our caregivers and we need them in order to survive. This means that as a child, if our needs or our emotions are not attended to in a way we need them to, with the limited emotional and cognitive resources of a child, we unconsciously develop a narrative that it must be us that is the problem. If only we were better, smarter, nicer, more able, then things would not be the way they are and our needs would be met. Since we are hard wired for connection it is easier for a child to believe that they are ‘bad’ then that the other is ‘bad’. And to compound things even more, because we are bad and we must be the issue, we try to adjust and adapt ourselves for the other, sacrificing parts of ourselves as we yearn for connection and love. 

As we grow into adults, even though we have the abilities to take care of ourselves, we continue to carry the roots of toxic shame and the limited belief that we are not enough. Toxic shame works in insidious ways. It is not always at the forefront of our consciousness but instead lurks in the corners of our awareness hiding even from ourselves; showing itself through patterns and behaviors that at the root can often be highly sophisticated ways of avoiding the feeling of not being enough. This can show up through behaviors such as “people please”, jumping to a defensive reaction when confronted by others, taking small mistakes personally, the need to be perfect, being clingy in a relationship, or on the flip side, pushing people away before they can get too close to us. The roots to more serious mental health concerns can also be traced back to toxic shame such as substance abuse or self harm. 

The Route to Healing: A lens of Self-Compassion

Before we jump to fix, shift or change ourselves, the realization that the feeling of “I’m not enough” stems from a childhood need to be seen, accepted and a yearning for connection allows me to have some ease for myself. I realize that the younger version of me only developed this narrative as a way of protecting myself. This allows me to have some compassion for that part of myself that was only ever trying to be loved and seen. It is through a lens of self-compassion that I approach the work, both with myself and my clients. 

There are various therapeutic techniques that are used in working with toxic shame. Some of these are IFS (Internal Family Systems), Mindful-Self compassion and Experiential Therapies like AEDP. What these techniques have in common is that they allow us to develop a deeper relationship with all parts of ourselves, without rejecting or abandoning ourselves in the process. It is important to remember that we are grounded in the need to be seen, heard and loved. Connection is at the core of our being. While our shame might have developed through our inherent need to attach, the route to our healing is also paradoxically found in our relationships. It is when we allow ourselves to be truly seen, loved and accepted by another that we are able to accept all parts of ourselves. Ultimately, the deeper we venture within, the more we realize that we are all on a life long journey of making our way back home to our most authentic selves.