Table of Contents

• The Paradox of Connection

• Understanding the Behavior

• Addressing the Issue in Therapy

• Healing and Connection Are Possible

The Paradox of Connection

Have you found yourself longing for connection yet continuing a pattern of pushing your partner(s) or close friends away? You may shut down emotionally, avoid difficult conversations, or even self-sabotage when the relationship begins to feel too close. If this sounds familiar, I promise you are not alone—it is an experience many people share, especially within the Queer community.

As Queer individuals, we often navigate relationships with a unique set of challenges. The desire for intimacy can conflict with deeply ingrained fears rooted in personal and collective experiences of rejection, trauma, and societal bias. This push-pull dynamic can feel isolating and exhausting. Therapy offers a space to explore these patterns, understand their origins, and take steps toward building the connections you desire and deserve.

Understanding the Behavior

Pushing people away can take many forms. For some, it looks like emotional withdrawal—putting up walls or avoiding vulnerable conversations. For others, it might manifest as avoidance, keeping relationships superficial, or even engaging in self-sabotage, like picking fights or breaking trust before someone else can hurt you. These behaviors can feel protective but often leave us feeling even more disconnected.

For those of us in the Queer community, this can be particularly challenging. Experiences of trauma, such as family rejection or minority stress, can make intimacy feel unsafe. 

Minority stress refers to the chronic stressors that arise from living in a society that marginalizes your identity. Facing systemic biases, microaggressions, and outright discrimination can leave you feeling constantly on guard, even in your most intimate relationships. For Queer individuals, societal messages–both explicit and subtle–can instill shame around your sexuality, leading to fears of being unlovable or fundamentally flawed. If we have internalized the belief that we are unworthy of love or that closeness inevitably leads to pain, we may preemptively sever ties to avoid potential rejection. 

For some, this response is tied to early experiences of dysregulation and unmet needs for co-regulation. If we did not receive consistent emotional attunement as children–if our caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or even frightening–we may have learned that closeness is unpredictable and dangerous. Without early models of safe, regulated connection, our nervous system may default to fight, flight, or freeze responses in moments of relational stress, making it challenging to stay present with our emotions and others.