We’ve all been there. We break up with someone and we’re still connected on Insta. As we go through the emotional disentangling, we are bombarded with pictures and videos of our ex living their lives, often seeming unperturbed, or worse… somehow better off? WTF. 

From a therapist’s perspective, what is the answer here? To keep following, or to unfollow? 

Before we get to the answer, it’s important to understand why so many of us have trouble deciding. Internal Family Systems, a very popular therapeutic modality at the moment, says that we all are made up of many different sub-personalities, or “parts,” with distinct roles in our lives. Our parts are often at odds with each other because they want different things for us, and this creates distress. 

When it comes to break ups and instagram, our parts often go to war with each other and leave us helpless when it comes to choosing the right path forward. 

Typically, here are some of the parts at play: 

• The part that doesn’t want to come off as petty 

This part says don’t unfollow and is generally not wanting to make it into a thing. Unfollowing might come off as petty, and this part wants to rise above the pettiness, or at least appear to rise above it. This part wants to come across cool and unaffected, and typically takes root in some avoidant attachment patterns from early life that tell us to act like we don’t care because caring wouldn’t go well. 

• The part that wants get out on top 

This part says keep following in order to get a win and make your ex suffer. This part is in charge when you post content that makes it seem like you’re doing just fine. This part thinks about who is going to be in the picture you are going to post, and how that might twist the knife. This part might even plan outings with certain people or to certain places just for the knife twisting impact of the post. This part is passive aggressive and vindictive, and is tied to narcissistic fantasies from childhood that have been mostly repressed for many years. 

• The part that doesn’t want to stir further conflict by setting a boundary

People often don’t react well to boundaries being placed and space taking. This part wants to keep following to avoid some sort of blow up or passive aggressive action in return from your ex. This part usually learned not to enforce boundaries from a young age because the people around us, typically parents, did not react well to boundary setting. So we settle on not rocking the boat because on some level it’s easier, even though it ultimately increases our suffering. 

• The part that wants to violently cut off contact

This part says unfriend and even block. It is angry about the break up, maybe feels mistreated, and wants to cut them off to reclaim safety or to make them suffer, or both. This part has often had a great deal of attachment trauma in the past where issues we’re not worked through well by talking. 

• The part that wants to transition to friendship right away. 

This part says keep following. It is often a bit idealistic, thinking that you have reached a maturity level where romantic relationships can transition to friendship seamlessly. This part might be unconsciously clinging to hope of rekindling, or bypassing emotional truths for the sake of appearances. This part is typically rooted in a sort of facade or false self that strives to seek the high road, cloaking younger parts that want to cling but are too wounded to be direct. 

• The part that consciously wants to cling to the love you once had. 

This part says keep following, keep liking each other’s content, and maybe eventually start DMing and rekindle. It is often idealistic about the love you had before the break up. It is often a younger part that learned to cling to relationships that weren’t supportive or satisfying as a survival mechanism. This part says it’s better to be in a bad relationship than no relationship.  It is a part that fears loneliness, abandonment, and emptiness. 

• The part that knows the relationship wasn’t right and wants to move on. 

This part says unfollow and has accepted that the relationship has ended, at least in its current form, and at least for now. This part tends to be more of a soft and deep knowing, and unfortunately because of this, it often gets hijacked by the other parts that say “wait, there’s still a chance,” or “wait, I still want my ex to suffer.” or “wait, I still need a win to avoid humiliation.” Dropping down into this part takes hard work and courage. We earn this part over time. 

With all of these parts at play, it’s no wonder that we often end up in a frozen state, not knowing whether to follow or unfollow. Often the freeze state leads us to not do anything, which unfortunately means making the decision to keep following. 

So what is the answer?