Table of Contents
Sensate Focus
A Sexual Date with Yourself
An Emotional Conversation with your partner
Sex therapy to assist with internal dialogue and reduce pressure
Trauma focused therapy for general dissociation
Adopting a Body Based Practice
Sex is a very vulnerable and intimate act, and so it can be difficult to stay present as we have sex. Many of us deal with some level distancing from ourselves during sex, or spectatoring. Maybe this is due to self consciousness about our bodies, our performance, the thoughts of our sexual partner(s), etc.
Here are 6 tips for getting more present and embodied during sex.
Sensate Focus
William Masters and Virginia Johnson, the pioneers of sex therapy, created an exercise to help get more embodied during sex, which they called Sensate Focus.
Sensate focus is all about mindful, non-goal oriented touch. You open up a space with a partner where the goal is not sex or orgasm, but rather simple exploratory touch, typically avoiding touching genitals. You set the intention to focus on things like temperature, pressure, and texture only. The goal is to shift attention from performance or orgasm to the moment-to-moment sensory experience of touch and connection. Arousal is welcome, but not expected, and shouldn’t create an expectation of any kind.
You want to start slow and simple and build over time, gradually increasing your capacity to stay in your body and experience your feelings while engaging physically with another.
Example Script: Find a quiet, peaceful and comfortable space. Agree on a time limit, maybe 15 minutes each, and take turns.
Partner A (giving touch):
“I’m going to explore touching your body—not to arouse you, but to notice how it feels to my hands. Let me know if anything feels uncomfortable.”
Partner B (receiving touch):
“I’m going to focus on my internal sensations—warmth, pressure, texture—without needing to respond or perform.”
Instructions:
Use your whole hand to gently touch areas like shoulders, arms, back, legs.
Focus on texture, temperature, and pressure.
No genitals, breasts, or goal-oriented behavior.
After time’s up, debrief briefly without judgment, then switch.
A Sexual Date with Yourself
Good, present sex with others starts with good, present sex with yourself. Make an extended masturbation date with yourself and actually put it on the calendar, at least 30 minutes long.
Set the scene in whatever way works for you. Maybe it’s lighting candles, eliminating distractions, or taking a bath.
Focus on slowing things way down. Spend time touching parts of your body that aren’t your genitals. Notice what feels difficult in giving yourself that kind of attention, and then work with those difficulties. Touch yourself in slightly different ways that work better for you. Learn the language of your own body. Experiment, and have fun.
As much as we like to fast forward to the part that gets us off the most, watch the porn you like from start to finish. When you feel an impulse to rush, just notice the impulse, and draw yourself back to sensation and presence.
An Emotional Conversation with your partner
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a client in therapy say that they had amazing sex right after an emotional conversation with their partner.
Starting emotional conversations and addressing built up tension can be very challenging and takes courage. One thing that can make it easier is having a monthly check in meeting with your partner, with time for sex after if it feels right.
If it feels right, you can open up with your sexual partner about your experience of spectatoring, and how you might need to slow things down at times, or do some sensual exercises together between sessions
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Sex therapy to assist with internal dialogue and reduce pressure
Sex therapists are very familiar with sexual dissociation (aka spectatoring) and the internal dialogue that goes along with it. Sex therapy can be a great and affirming space to get all those annoying voices out into the open.
It can also be a great space to make conscious all that pressure you are putting on yourself around sex - the pressure to get hard/wet, the pressure to perform, the pressure to cum, the pressure to play a certain role, etc. Sex therapy can help you to write new scripts around sex that are more pleasure and presence focused.
Trauma focused therapy for general dissociation
If spectatoring during sex ties into a broader pattern of dissociation for you, you are not alone! Many people with PTSD and Complex PTSD feel a chronic sense of watching their life from the outside. Healing is gradual, and you don’t want to try for too much too soon. .
Seek out a therapist who is trauma informed and focused. Modalities like Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing can be very effective. Bodywork or massage can also be a great place to start, and don’t forget to tell your massage therapist what types of touch work for you and what types don’t. Remember to go slow, challenging yourself without overwhelming the system.
Adopting a Body Based Practice
You’ve heard it from therapists a thousand times. One of the best ways to get back into our bodies for any activity is having a regular somatic practice.
Every nervous system is different so you want to figure out what works for you without pressure or judgment. Maybe it’s yoga, or maybe yoga is not for you because it creates a similar spectatoring experience. Maybe it’s meditation, or a sport, or tai-chi, or dancing at the clurb.
As always, when engaging in any of these steps, don’t forget to have fun! Embrace the journey as opposed to focusing on the destination. Invite laughter into sex, and keep moving with your energy.
Sex therapy to assist with internal dialogue and reduce pressure
Sex therapists are very familiar with sexual dissociation (aka spectatoring) and the internal dialogue that goes along with it. Sex therapy can be a great and affirming space to get all those annoying voices out into the open.
It can also be a great space to make conscious all that pressure you are putting on yourself around sex - the pressure to get hard/wet, the pressure to perform, the pressure to cum, the pressure to play a certain role, etc. Sex therapy can help you to write new scripts around sex that are more pleasure and presence focused.
Trauma focused therapy for general dissociation
If spectatoring during sex ties into a broader pattern of dissociation for you, you are not alone! Many people with PTSD and Complex PTSD feel a chronic sense of watching their life from the outside. Healing is gradual, and you don’t want to try for too much too soon. .
Seek out a therapist who is trauma informed and focused. Modalities like Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing can be very effective. Bodywork or massage can also be a great place to start, and don’t forget to tell your massage therapist what types of touch work for you and what types don’t. Remember to go slow, challenging yourself without overwhelming the system.
Adopting a Body Based Practice
You’ve heard it from therapists a thousand times. One of the best ways to get back into our bodies for any activity is having a regular somatic practice.
Every nervous system is different so you want to figure out what works for you without pressure or judgment. Maybe it’s yoga, or maybe yoga is not for you because it creates a similar spectatoring experience. Maybe it’s meditation, or a sport, or tai-chi, or dancing at the clurb.
As always, when engaging in any of these steps, don’t forget to have fun! Embrace the journey as opposed to focusing on the destination. Invite laughter into sex, and keep moving with your energy.
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
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