Rollo May (psychologist and author) says that we are either afraid of life, or afraid of death.  This plays out in all of our relationships.  

We are now, most of us, familiar with the idea of attachment styles.  We are ‘anxiously attached’, needing a lot of closeness or constant reassurance from our partner, or we are ‘avoidant’ with a need for more space.  And everything in between.

Too Close

I have experienced both.  I think every couple is navigating the space between them, some with more ease than others.  If my love interest is very needy I might feel the need for more space, pushing me more into the avoidant category.  If you examine this experience it may feel like being a little, or a lot,  crowded.  It is a fear of being overwhelmed, of losing freedom, and at its core it’s what May calls the fear of death.  

Too Far

If my love interest is very spacious, I might organically bridge the gap between us by being even more relational.  (“If I don’t keep this thing together nobody will”).  All the way at this end of the spectrum is the person who is totally anxiety ridden, uncertain of their partner’s feelings for them, always emotionally on the edge of a cliff.  The reason May calls this a fear of life is that this experience is a fear, to some degree, of space itself and of our solitude in the world.  Hence, the clinging nature of the anxiously attached. “Please don’t let go, I can’t fly solo!”

If there are two more attached people together there is risk of enmeshment (lack of autonomy) or with two more spacious people together there might not be enough attachment to actually stay together.  Both of these are not necessarily a problem if they work for the couple.  We are all negotiating the space in our relationships.

So what do we do about this?  

I think we should start by not labeling ourselves as anxious or avoidant, but instead, develop the awareness to see that we are having one of these experiences. We have to start with exactly where we are.  This is what I’m feeling.  (If I say “I’m having an avoidant feeling” then I am not an avoidant person stuck with this never changing condition, but instead, a person who is experiencing the need or desire for more space). From a compassionate place we can try to remain curious.  “I see that this is what I’m feeling”. 

Everyone wants ease in relationships, but depending on one’s history, it may take patience and work to heal, and therefore to begin to relax more with other people.  You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to do this work.  You can also notice it with family and with friends.  Your natural attachment tendencies will also come out in the therapy room.  Can you open up to talk about your experience outside the room, as well as reveal how it’s feeling with your therapist in the room?