Therapy

Too Close or Too Far: Working With Your Attachment Style

Megan Murphy, Expansive Co-Founder

Rollo May (psychologist and author) says that we are either afraid of life, or afraid of death. This plays out in all of our relationships.

We are now, most of us, familiar with the idea of attachment styles. We are ‘anxiously attached’, needing a lot of closeness or constant reassurance from our partner, or we are ‘avoidant’ with a need for more space. And everything in between.

Too Close

I have experienced both. I think every couple is navigating the space between them, some with more ease than others. If my love interest is very needy I might feel the need for more space, pushing me more into the avoidant category. If you examine this experience it may feel like being a little, or a lot, crowded. It is a fear of being overwhelmed, of losing freedom, and at its core it’s what May calls the fear of death.

Too Far

If my love interest is very spacious, I might organically bridge the gap between us by being even more relational. (“If I don’t keep this thing together nobody will”). All the way at this end of the spectrum is the person who is totally anxiety ridden, uncertain of their partner’s feelings for them, always emotionally on the edge of a cliff. The reason May calls this a fear of life is that this experience is a fear, to some degree, of space itself and of our solitude in the world. Hence, the clinging nature of the anxiously attached. “Please don’t let go, I can’t fly solo!”

If there are two more attached people together there is risk of enmeshment (lack of autonomy) or with two more spacious people together there might not be enough attachment to actually stay together. Both of these are not necessarily a problem if they work for the couple. We are all negotiating the space in our relationships.

So what do we do about this?

I think we should start by not labeling ourselves as anxious or avoidant, but instead, develop the awareness to see that we are having one of these experiences. We have to start with exactly where we are. This is what I’m feeling. (If I say “I’m having an avoidant feeling” then I am not an avoidant person stuck with this never changing condition, but instead, a person who is experiencing the need or desire for more space). From a compassionate place we can try to remain curious. “I see that this is what I’m feeling”.

Everyone wants ease in relationships, but depending on one’s history, it may take patience and work to heal, and therefore to begin to relax more with other people. You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to do this work. You can also notice it with family and with friends. Your natural attachment tendencies will also come out in the therapy room. Can you open up to talk about your experience outside the room, as well as reveal how it’s feeling with your therapist in the room?

Rollo May (psychologist and author) says that we are either afraid of life, or afraid of death. This plays out in all of our relationships.

Too Close

Too Far

So what do we do about this?

Rollo May (psychologist and author) says that we are either afraid of life, or afraid of death. This plays out in all of our relationships.

Too Close

Too Far

So what do we do about this?

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How do you love yourself?

If you are in a relationship where you can ask for your partner to come closer or give you space, fantastic. But your partner’s help is icing on the cake. The cake itself is for you to bake. This means owning your own experience, dropping the narrative about what others are doing, and figuring out what you need right here and now that only you can give yourself. Staying curious, letting go of habitual narratives about others, will help.

Instead of, “You never text back!” you might say (at the right time) “I’m feeling needy within myself. I know this isn’t yours to solve”. This does a couple of things. It gives your partner the chance to empathize with you instead of immediately having to defend themselves. It also gives you some choice in what action or thought you might choose.

“I’m having that familiar feeling of wanting space” is more likely to be met with understanding, or at least less hostility, from a friend or partner. If you own your experience and your actions, it helps your partner understand that it’s not about them.

It’s hard to say “I’m feeling scared that you are not in this with me” or “I’m feeling sort of overwhelmed right now”. Building a safe relationship, one in which you can express your feelings, the tender things that are hard to talk about, takes time. Attachment styles generally reveal themselves right from the start. Understanding your own style and tendencies will empower you.

Can we try not to judge our experience?

Both ends of the attachment spectrum are just experiences. The more we can learn to see them, stay interested in them, and own them, the more we will have the chance to relax and heal them and eventually experience more of a spectrum of feeling in our relationships. If you are struggling with your own relational or attachment needs, therapy can be a good place to explore and heal.