At Expansive Therapy, We Offer Throuples Therapy

Nick Fager, Expansive Cofounder

Here are 7 issues that can come up in throuples therapy:

Power Dynamics

Power tends to be a very easy thing to keep in the shadows, and for that reason it can be healing to talk about and negotiate openly in therapy. Is there a primary relationship and a secondary relationship? Are all three people aiming to be non-heirachical? How are financials split up, and how does that affect the dynamic of the relationship?

Renegotiating agreements

Throuples usually make agreements when they first get together around things such as living together, sex, sleeping arrangements, time spent with each member, responsibilities, etc. But those agreements don’t need to stay the same in the long term. Things change - attractions fade and shift, we age, our priorities shift… As we evolve, agreements need to be revisited, and with three people there are a lot of implications to consider with each shift.

Jealousy and Compersion

When your partner has a partner, it brings up feelings - some good, some bad. Jealousy is to be expected in throuples and needs to be brought to light and worked with in order to keep the throuple in good relational health. When held and worked through effectively, jealousy can actually be a way to deepen the relationship because it gives a window into past wounds and deeply held values. Compersion (joy at witnessing your partner with someone else) is often seen as the gold standard for throuples but takes work and is never a permanent state.

Triangulation

It’s easy to triangulate in a throuple. One partner pisses you off and you go to the other to vent about it. The two of you vent together and form a joint narrative that gathers energy and might at some point get thrust onto the unsuspecting third. Therapy can provide that space that feels safe enough where triangulation either isn’t necessary, or the space to work through triangulation that has already happened without overburdening one member of the relationship.

Navigating life events.

One partner might get a plus one to a wedding and need to decide who to invite. A funeral with older family members might not be a safe place to go as a throuple. Throuples need to figure out how to navigate these events with respect for each partner’s feelings and integrity for the throuple as a whole. These are decisions that can carry quite a bit of emotional weight and should be made carefully.

Want more content like this?

Join our mailing list

Coming out decisions

Most of the world is unfortunately not very affirming of throuples, so it’s important to get on the same page about coming out. There is bound to be some variation in this area, both in terms of values and possible actions, so therapy can be a good place to hear each other out, come to agreements, and make a plan in this area.

Decisions about expansion / contraction

Maybe one member of the throuple meets someone and wants to expand to a quad. Or maybe two members want to open up the relationship sexually. Or maybe the original couple wants to end things with the third. These decisions have a lot of nuance with three different emotional perspectives and so having the space held by a therapist can be helpful in navigating.

The success of a throuple is not measured by the amount of time you are together, as het-norm culture would lead you to believe. Some throuples last a lifetime, others are fun flings, and others teach us hard lessons, just like with any relationship. The important thing is to acknowledge the above factors and how they are impacting the health of your relationship in order to start building a strong foundation. Therapy can be a great place to create space, to explore, and to strengthen.

At Expansive Therapy, we are affirming of all relationship structures, and we encourage you to work with one of our therapists to support yours.