Table of Contents
Why Monthly Relationship Check-Ins Are Crucial for Long-Term Intimacy
How Monthly Emotional Check-Ins Build Trust and Vulnerability
The Role of Appreciation and Validation in Healthy Partner Communication
Avoiding Emotional Buildup: The Power of Scheduled Conversations
Building Emotional Intelligence and Shared Language with Your Partner
Creating a Relationship Routine That Supports Emotional and Physical Intimacy
As a therapist, I often recommend monthly check-ins for intimate relationships, as well as engaging in them myself. This is usually for romantic partners and I will use partner language throughout this article, but this practice can also be extended to close friend and family relationships as well.
Monthly check-in’s are a chance for each partner to reflect on the last month of the relationship and to share what has come up for them emotionally, what has gone well and what has been challenging, what might have gone unspoken in the moment, and really anything else that feels important to name. This kind of intentional structure reflects the deeper benefits of LGBTQ relationship counseling, a space designed to practice curiosity, communication, and emotional attunement.
What is crucial is that each person gets the floor for an unrushed period of time, and is able to share their feelings vulnerably, and be held in that space by the other. Once each person gets that space, then an open conversation can ensue.
Here are 11 reasons why Monthly Check-ins can improve the overall health of your relationship:
You get a chance to tell your partner(s) what’s going well in the relationship and what you appreciate about them.
Check ins are not just for the negative, and sharing the positive is crucially important so that the check in becomes a space that at least part of you looks forward to. It’s great to start off each check in with a bit of love and appreciation for your partner(s).
You practice opening up the door to emotions.
The ability to take that first step and open the door to an emotional conversation is often the most challenging, and also one of the most important skills to build in your relationship. Over time, approaching emotions with self-compassion instead of avoidance helps these moments feel safer and less overwhelming.
A lot of relationships fail because the door stays shut and gets harder and harder to open as unspoken emotions build up. The scheduled monthly check in gets both or all partners accustomed to the door opening, which makes it easier to open at other times as well.
You practice taking turns and giving each other the floor without rushing.
Emotions usually come with a sense of urgency, usually stemming from a fear of not being heard or understood. A structured check in where each partner has the floor for a little while gives each person breathing room to be with their experience and do their best to express it. Emotions are messy and they take time, so make sure you have set aside enough time to give each person enough time to not feel rushed.
You strengthen the foundation of the relationship as well as your individual capacity.
Consider each monthly check in to be a rep, where each partner vulnerably shares their truth, and is hopefully well received and held in that vulnerability. You’re building a muscle together, and you’ll see the payoff when something emotionally intense happens and you’re able to get through it together without distancing or resorting to old defense mechanisms.
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You get a chance to practice how to validate your partner(s).
Validation is not a skill we are taught growing up, and this missing skill often causes major problems in relationships. After your partner shares something that’s been going on for them emotionally in the last month, remember to stay with their experience for a moment before jumping back to yours. Simple affirmations like, “I hear you,” or “I can understand how you would feel that,” can go a long way towards building trust. Learning to validate others deepens emotional connection and builds trust over time.
You practice going back to a moment.
Another hugely important skill in a relationship is the ability to go back to an unresolved moment. Emotional work takes time, and not everything get resolved in the moment. We have parts of us that get silenced due to fear, and other parts that emerge hours or days later. Choosing to return to a difficult moment is a courageous act of love, and the monthly check in where you reflect together normalizes that process.
You avoid emotional buildup.
We impact our partners all the time with things we do and say, and often we aren’t even conscious of those impacts until they have built up. If we’re not regularly checking in, the buildup can become so big that it spills over into completely unrelated issues, and can cause resentment and shutting down. The monthly check keeps buildups in check.
You get a chance to learn how your partner operates and embrace differences.
One of the hardest things to embrace in an intimate relationship is just how different your partner(s) is from you. Understanding why emotional expression can feel unsafe for queer people can help you hold compassion for your partner’s emotional pace and the protective strategies they may have learned.
A check in where each person gets the floor allows each partner to witness the inner workings of the other and validate that they are actually a different person. We begin to understand that our partners usually don’t have intent to hurt us, but are rather acting out their differences. Accepting differences can lead to better communication, more care, and less resentment.
You build a shared language in the realm of emotions.
Emotions are simply messy and hard to communicate. In therapy world, we sometimes refer to a gold standard of “feeling and dealing while relating.” That means staying connected to your emotions and coping with them while staying in connection with another. That’s a high level skill, and takes practice. Simply entering the emotional space once a month with your partner allows you to build language and get comfortable in that nebulous space.
. You get to practice “I” language.
When we feel difficult emotions, we so often want to jump to blame, or why the other person is causing us pain, instead of choosing to vulnerably share our pain. It’s an unconscious strategy for having our partner(s) feel our pain for us, but it usually doesn’t work that well. When you each have the floor in the beginning of your check in, you want to practice using “I” language, explaining how you feel internally or how certain events impacted you without jumping to blame. This allows your partner(s) a way in to see your pain, which is usually a lot more productive.
. You practice scheduling intimate moments.
As much as we want our relationships to be spontaneous and passionate, there are also many practical elements to partnership and conscious choices that we make to show up for our partners. Scheduling a check in (the first of every month usually works well) gives it the importance it deserves and ensures that the relationship doesn’t passively fall back into avoidance.
And one last bonus! Check-ins often lead to better sex or intimacy. A vulnerable emotional exchange is way more of an aphrodisiac than people realize. Be sure to leave unstructured time after your check in for sex or romance.
Relationships thrive on practice and presence, and finding a therapist who gets it can make all the difference in how you show up for each other. If that feels like your next step, we’d love to hear from you.
You get a chance to practice how to validate your partner(s).
Validation is not a skill we are taught growing up, and this missing skill often causes major problems in relationships. After your partner shares something that’s been going on for them emotionally in the last month, remember to stay with their experience for a moment before jumping back to yours. Simple affirmations like, “I hear you,” or “I can understand how you would feel that,” can go a long way towards building trust. Learning to validate others deepens emotional connection and builds trust over time.
You practice going back to a moment.
Another hugely important skill in a relationship is the ability to go back to an unresolved moment. Emotional work takes time, and not everything get resolved in the moment. We have parts of us that get silenced due to fear, and other parts that emerge hours or days later. Choosing to return to a difficult moment is a courageous act of love, and the monthly check in where you reflect together normalizes that process.
You avoid emotional buildup.
We impact our partners all the time with things we do and say, and often we aren’t even conscious of those impacts until they have built up. If we’re not regularly checking in, the buildup can become so big that it spills over into completely unrelated issues, and can cause resentment and shutting down. The monthly check keeps buildups in check.
You get a chance to learn how your partner operates and embrace differences.
One of the hardest things to embrace in an intimate relationship is just how different your partner(s) is from you. Understanding why emotional expression can feel unsafe for queer people can help you hold compassion for your partner’s emotional pace and the protective strategies they may have learned.
A check in where each person gets the floor allows each partner to witness the inner workings of the other and validate that they are actually a different person. We begin to understand that our partners usually don’t have intent to hurt us, but are rather acting out their differences. Accepting differences can lead to better communication, more care, and less resentment.
You build a shared language in the realm of emotions.
Emotions are simply messy and hard to communicate. In therapy world, we sometimes refer to a gold standard of “feeling and dealing while relating.” That means staying connected to your emotions and coping with them while staying in connection with another. That’s a high level skill, and takes practice. Simply entering the emotional space once a month with your partner allows you to build language and get comfortable in that nebulous space.
. You get to practice “I” language.
When we feel difficult emotions, we so often want to jump to blame, or why the other person is causing us pain, instead of choosing to vulnerably share our pain. It’s an unconscious strategy for having our partner(s) feel our pain for us, but it usually doesn’t work that well. When you each have the floor in the beginning of your check in, you want to practice using “I” language, explaining how you feel internally or how certain events impacted you without jumping to blame. This allows your partner(s) a way in to see your pain, which is usually a lot more productive.
. You practice scheduling intimate moments.
As much as we want our relationships to be spontaneous and passionate, there are also many practical elements to partnership and conscious choices that we make to show up for our partners. Scheduling a check in (the first of every month usually works well) gives it the importance it deserves and ensures that the relationship doesn’t passively fall back into avoidance.
And one last bonus! Check-ins often lead to better sex or intimacy. A vulnerable emotional exchange is way more of an aphrodisiac than people realize. Be sure to leave unstructured time after your check in for sex or romance.
Relationships thrive on practice and presence, and finding a therapist who gets it can make all the difference in how you show up for each other. If that feels like your next step, we’d love to hear from you.
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
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