LGBTQ+
The Balance of Queer Liberation with Boundaries and Values
Nick Fager, Expansive Cofounder
Like most queer people, I had a childhood filled with rejection, repression, and compartmentalization. My surroundings were not safe for me to be my authentic self, so I became very comfortable taking care of myself and hiding my truth. I repressed and put up a perfectionistic facade in order to survive.
When I finally reached a point of independence where I knew on a deep level that my survival was no longer based on the approval or acceptance of my family and childhood community, I came out… loudly. And for a number of years after that, my life had one guiding principle: liberation.
I needed to feel free. I needed to shake off all that shame and have fun for once. I needed the queer teenage years that were robbed from me. A time to try on different identities, connect with different types of people, try different types of sex and relationships, express a wider range of emotions, and take risks, all as a means of opening up space to find my authentic self again. It was necessary, and on a certain level healing, though yes, also very messy.
This time of exploration felt so important, but equally important was the much-later-on recognition that I needed to reign it in for the sake of my mental health. Seeking liberation often meant pushing past my own boundaries, or ignoring when other people crossed my boundaries, because hey… we were all just having fun and being free, and that was our right, wasn’t it? After feeling shame about myself for so long, I was conscious not to bring shame into the picture at all. Liberation was about chasing a shame free life.
But freedom as my sole guiding force was ultimately draining, isolating, and even re-traumatizing after the thrill wore off.
Over time, and always with setbacks, I learned that it wasn’t a zero sum game. I could maintain aspects of my queer liberation, which I fought hard for and still value highly, while acknowledging that I had limits and preferences, or personal boundaries. I realized that I needed to learn how to respect those limits and preferences, and communicate them with others, in order to actually feel okay internally. I learned how to build relationships that had mutual respect for boundaries, and with that, trust began to emerge.
Once liberation stopped being my only guiding principle, and my boundaries were established enough to allow me to relax internally and trust others, then came confusion, boredom, and depression. What was my north star now? What was I driving towards? I asked, maybe for the first time, what type of person I actually wanted to be? Gradually, words started to come up from my subconscious.
Queer. Compassionate. Honest. Kind. Curious. Courageous.
I will never stick to these words perfectly. I regularly fall short of them, and sometimes even forget them. I let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I get triggered and I fall into old patterns. Sometimes I simply don’t want to live up to anything, and I rebel. But I have an internal guide, a general direction that I want to be heading, and that helps.
I needed to go through the liberation phase, and the slowing down and learning my boundaries phase, and even the bored depressed phase, in order to arrive at the values phase in an authentic and lasting way. If I had decided on values sooner, they would have been decided by the perfectionistic facade and would have ultimately been fleeting and ungrounded.
No one else could have guided me through these phases by telling me to change. I needed to feel into each one and decide for myself. But other people did help me to move from one to the other, simply by being themselves and showing me that there were other options, and by loving me for exactly who I was in my journey.
Each phase was flawed and beautiful in its own way. Each phase still lives in me and I regularly bounce from one to the other. I still feel completely lost at times. But on some deep level, there is a vague sense of progress, and okayness.
I’m curious what my next phase will be.
Want more content like this?
Join our mailing list
Book Your Intro Session With A Therapist
Find A therapist
