Identity
What is Freysexuality? A Therapist Explains.
Nick Fager, Expansive Cofounder
Is it Freysexuality?
Choosing an identity is entirely up to you. If novel sex works for you and you want to identify as a freysexual, that is your right. However, it does tend to be an identity that leaves some people wondering if it applies to them or not, so let’s try to navigate some of these gray areas for those seeking clarity.
For example, it’s no secret that many people are turned on by novel sexual situations, but does that make all of those people freysexual? For most, probably not, it’s just one sexual interest amongst others that involve differing levels of intimacy or connection.
It’s also very common for sexual desire to drop off after dating someone for a long period of time, but does that mean that one or both partners is freysexual? Again probably not, because it’s likely that sex and intimacy were linked at some point and it just gradually dropped off with time.
If you’re someone who is strongly drawn to sexual novelty and is considering this identity, you want to take an assessment of your sexual history. Has sex with intimacy ever felt good? Is novel sex just one interest among other types of sex that involve romance or connection? Or is there a very strong and persistent preference for the novel? Have you pushed yourself outside of your comfort zone and experimented when it comes to romance and intimacy?
Perhaps you remember one time where sex and intimacy were linked and it felt good, but then that relationship ended badly, and since then you’ve sought out novel or anonymous sex exclusively. In this case, it might not be freysexuality, but rather that you’ve built up some strong defenses to sexual intimacy. Less about your wiring and more about your wounding. In this case, going to therapy, working on healing the wounds, and ultimately pushing outside of your comfort zone in a conscious way might be in your best interest.
You also want to consider how culture, and particularly queer culture if you’re queer, has encouraged freysexuality through cultural oppression driving sex into the shadows, and through apps like Grindr. If you’re a gay man, for example, it’s likely that the first sex you had was at least somewhat anonymous or discreet because it had to be, and that apps like Grindr have reinforced those desires over time. So you want to ask yourself, have you pushed outside your comfort zone and tried other forms of sex? If not, this might not be freysexuality, but rather a narrow scope of experience.
So when might you consider identifying as freysexual? If you feel like you’ve explored different kinds of sex, pushed through defenses, been vulnerable, and ultimately keep coming back to the conclusion that this is the type of sex that works for you and the type of sex that you want to pursue moving forward, then an identity might make sense. Identifying might allow you to release cultural shame and begin to make mindful and ethical choices about sex and intimacy from a place of acceptance and self-love.
Misconceptions around freysexuality
Freysexual people can’t date. Freysexuals have plenty of options when it comes to dating, similar to how asexual people have plenty of options for dating. Even if you’re drawn primarily to casual sex, you might find that certain types of intimate connection work well for you and a partner. Two freysexuals can also date each other and have an intimate relationship without eroticism and keep their relationship open so they can each continue to have novel sex with others. These relationships can actually be quite secure because there is practically no risk of either person developing feelings for someone who they have sex with. Freysexuals can also date asexual people if both have a desire for intimacy or romanticism without sex in the primary relationship. Freysexuals can also date people with many other sexual and romantic identities as long as there is mutual openness, honesty, acceptance, boundary setting and negotiation around novel sex seeking.
Freysexuals don’t care about their health and safety, or the health and safety of others. There is of course a spectrum here, but generally speaking, people who identify as freysexual have done quite a bit of work to get there, battling through shame, cultural conditioning, and stigma, and so they are often much more informed about sexual safety and risk than people who have less acceptance/awareness around their sexual practices or identities. Many freysexuals take extensive safety precautions for sex with strangers, like going on PrEP for HIV prevention, DoxyPEP for STI prevention, and getting tested regularly. Freysexuality and risk are inextricably linked, and so most practicing freysexuals are aware of this and are adept at things like chatting on apps about boundaries and interests before engaging in sexual activity. With these risk reducing practices and skills, freysexuals are often less risky to sleep with than say, someone who has maybe slept with strangers a few times and has a lot of shame around it so doesn’t get tested or talk about sexual health and boundaries.
All this being said, it would be naive and irresponsible to pretend that there isn’t the potential for harmful behavior by freysexuals. Since risk is a given for those who identify as freyseuxal, there will be individuals who will engage in anonymous or random sex in an unconscious and risky way because lessening the risk through safety precautions would take away from the thrill of the sex. There will also be those who don’t come out as freysexual but instead feign a different identity in order to coerce someone into casual sex. When in doubt, a good rule of thumb is that people who are out and open about their freysexual identity are safer to engage with.
Once a freysexual, always a freysexual. The best part about sexual and gender identities is that they can shift and change over time. Though you might be drawn exclusively to casual or anonymous at this point in your life, you might find that a partner in the future opens up a new doorway to sex with intimacy. Or you might not. It’s important to remember that linking sex with intimacy is not the goal. You might find that your desire for novel sex only grows stronger with age. The important thing is to accept where you are now, and to learn how to stay safe, keep others safe, be ethical, and stick to your values. Any possible shifts will happen organically over time and not through your conscious control.
Take a moment to think about where you fall on the freysexuality to demisexuality spectrum. Maybe different people bring you to different places on that spectrum. If you find yourself connecting with freysexuality, take some time to explore. Therapy can be a great place to dig into the past and unpack your sexuality, to figure out what has and hasn’t worked for you, get past cultural conditioning to what actually excites you, and see what identities fit. Of course, you need to make sure you are working with a sex-positive, affirming therapist who will support your open exploration without an agenda or judgment.
And if you ultimately decide to identify as freysexual, fantastic! Two important steps to take:
Educate yourself when it comes to casual or anonymous sex and how to keep yourself safe. If you’re not already aware, learn about PrEP and DoxyPEP. Find a sex positive medical provider where you can get tested regularly without judgment. Watch sex positive sex-ed videos on YouTube. Read The Ethical Slut and similar books.
Figure out what your values and ethics are and how you’re going to stick to them as you engage in this type of sex. You will never be perfect in this regard, but it’s important to have a north star to follow.
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