Opening Up to Level Up

If opening up your relationship is something that you are interested in, there are things to carefully consider. Clear agreements, regular check-ins, handling jealousy, emotional honesty, and time management are key points that open up some important questions. Do you want other relationships to take equal priority to your current one? Do you want to fall in love with others or just have sexual encounters? Can you bring a partner from outside of your relationship home? Do you want a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with your partner? Should you tell others about your relationship status? 

An open relationship is commonly known as a mutual agreement between both partners to have sexual but not romantic relationships with other people. Hierarchical polyamory allows for romantic and/or sexual relationships (pursuing these relationships together or separately) with others, but with the agreement to remain each other’s primary partner. Each partner has “veto power” and can call for a change in their partner’s outside relationships. On the other hand, in non-hierarchical polyamory, no one is a primary partner and everyone is equal. On another note, the term “monogamish” refers to the arrangement of meeting in the middle between an open and monogamous relationship, as you are both committed to each other but allow occasional physical intimacy on the side. 

Allowing a Continuous R(evolution) in your Relationship(s)

Perel shared that she has been married three times, humorously clarifying that she has symbolically re-married her husband as they have transitioned together through significant milestones that have transformed their relationship. You can change individually and as a couple numerous times because movement is necessary and inevitable for survival, but agency and consent on where to move together is key. Whether moving from monogamous to polyamorous, or the other way around, ending a relationship altogether, or renegotiating agreements or values, the first and most important step is the willingness to be accountable, affirmative, and accepting with yourself and your partner or partners. We all must work to resist the idea of the perfect partner and embrace what Donald Winnicott calls the “good enough” partner or partners. Allow space for conflict and the beauty of compassionately seeking a solution, no matter which one it is. Finally, it is clear that both monogamous and polyamorous relationships have their unique challenges and benefits, but they both share the need for strong communication skills, flexibility, respect, and the need to grow and share together.