Monogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory: The Research and What We Can Learn from It

Nick Fager, Expansive Cofounder

Two people lying close together on a bed, one resting their head on the other’s shoulder, conveying emotional closeness and trust—reflecting how relationship satisfaction is shaped by connection and communication rather than relationship structure.

Table of Contents

What Research Says About Relationship Styles
Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships Compared
Why Relationship Structure Matters Less Than Communication
Jealousy, Trust, and Emotional Safety
Default vs. Conscious Relationship Choices
How to Choose a Relationship Style Together

Quite a bit of research has been done comparing monogamous relationships to open relationships and polyamorous relationships on measures of relationship satisfaction, happiness, sexual satisfaction, mental health, and trust. One meta-analysis reviewed 35 studies of over 24,500 people across different identities and different countries.

All of this research points to one very strong conclusion, which is that there are no measurable differences between the different types of relationships on all of those measures. The only relatively small difference that has been found is the way that different types of relationships deal with jealousy, which is present in all relationships. Poly and open people tend to expect jealousy to show up and are more open to discussing it and working through it.

So what does this mean for your relationship or your dating life?

Number one: it’s not the type of relationship you and your partner choose that matters most, but how you show up within that relationship. With good communication, trust, honesty, and a strong emotional foundation that provides security, all different types of relationships can be successful.

I have worked with all different types of relationships as a therapist and a sex therapist, and I have generally found this to be true. The relationships who are struggling the most are not struggling primarily because of the relationship style. They are struggling because the emotional foundation is not very strong, or trust has been broken, or communication has broken down. Usually it’s a combination of the three.

Number two: It’s not the type of relationship you choose that matters, but the acknowledgement that there is a choice to be made. In other words, you and your partner(s) need to acknowledge that there is more than one option on the table when the relationship is first starting instead of defaulting unconsciously to monogamy.

We grew up in a culture that told us there was only option for long term relationships - monogamy - and that all the other relationship types were deviant, threatening to the status quo, and ultimately unsuccessful. Even though the research shows this to be untrue, we all internalize these messages to some degree and they live mostly in our unconscious mind with our other internalized biases.

Softly blurred red roses layered and overlapping, symbolizing desire, complexity, and the many forms intimacy and love can take beyond a single relationship structure.

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At the beginning of a relationship, it’s easy to get swept up in intense feelings and think to yourself, this is the only person I need. Those feelings are wonderful, and should be enjoyed to the fullest, and for some people that is actually the only person they need. But those initial feelings can easily meld with those internalized biases around monogamy, and we often slide into monogamy without conscious awareness.

Acknowledging the choices that you have in terms of relationship styles can feel threatening and scary to something that feels so exciting, and so we often let our monogamy biases take over as a way of avoiding the hard conversation.

This is not to say that monogamy is a bad relationship choice in any way. As the research shows, it is just as successful a relationship style as the others. What can cause problems, however, is assumed monogamy, or unconscious monogamy. Monogamy that we default to because it’s too scary to acknowledge the other options or talk about them openly.

What I have found in my work is that the fear of the conversation is bigger than the conversation itself. When the menu of relationship styles gets acknowledged and becomes a conversation instead of something repressed and avoided, there is usually a lot of relief associated with it. Each partner realizes that it’s okay to talk about the options on the menu even if they land back at monogamy. It becomes a way of getting to know each other, and also building a foundation of trust to protect against acting out and betrayal. You become teammates and fellow explorers.

So my advice: At some point in the beginning of each intimate relationship you enter, there should be an acknowledgement that there are a number of different relationship styles on the menu, and then a conversation (or a few) about which type of relationship will work for you.

This choice is not set in stone, and you could always experiment with a few different types or adjust styles months or years down the line. The important thing is that you are acknowledging the options and figuring it out together.