Queerness and Codependence

Megan Murphy, Expansive Cofounder

Two queer women dancing together on a bed in a sunlit bedroom, embracing joy and intimacy in a healthy same-sex relationship.

Table of Contents

Growing Up Queer and Learning to Self-Abandon
How Codependence Develops as a Survival Strategy
Anxiety, People-Pleasing, and Managing Others’ Emotions
Codependence in Queer Relationships
Boundaries as a Way to Protect Love
Taking Responsibility for Your Emotional Wellbeing

Queer people have had to abandon themselves to different degrees to be accepted by their families, their friends, and the entire culture. We learn very early on that we feel different and that that is not a good thing. To be accepted is to be safe. What is the result of this experience?

Queer people have historically had to do more 'managing' of others' feelings due to our culture’s inability to be at peace with difference, and respect for every person's right to have their own beautiful experience of existence and relationships.

If your parents didn't love the fact that you were gay, this is a major inner conflict. Do I keep the love flowing from my parents or do I keep the love flowing within me? How can I be truthful about who I am while also maintaining other important relationships?

Codependence is born to keep you safe.

Let's thank this structure and then let's take a closer look at it.

If you have grown up in an environment where there was not enough safety, either emotional or physical, where you didn't have ease in your body because you never knew what was going to happen from one day to the next, then we are on constant alert with the people around us. Putting this in dating terms, when our object of interest is not consistent, it makes us anxious.

I can’t be happy if you are not happy.

Codependence is essentially the inability to be at peace if those around us are not at peace. So we take on the responsibility of making things peaceful by people pleasing, manipulating situations, and managing other's feelings. We do all of this in an attempt to feel safe, to feel calm. But this process eventually creates more suffering because we are putting others before ourselves.

Codependence in queer relationships can manifest as obsessions with the other, and the constant need for reassurance from a partner.

How much head space is the relationship taking up? Obsessive thinking about someone else doesn't make you a loving and caring person, but instead, needy for their constant care. But this constant care that you are needing is only available between you and you.

Open book resting on soft white bedding with morning sunlight streaming through a window, symbolizing reflection, personal growth, and emotional healing.

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You take care of your basic needs for safety.

That is no one else's job.

We can truly only control ourselves.

Let's think about the end goal first. I'm going to speak for myself. I want to take full responsibility for my own state of mind and my actions and I want all of my relationships to feel respectful and caring.

If this is my end goal I need to act truthfully and authentically. This means not always making others happy.

Think of boundaries as a way to protect love.

Here is what I mean. If I love someone I don't want anything to impede on my continued flow of love towards them. Let's say I let someone take advantage of me in some way. Perhaps they are always late, or they speak to me in a way that feels disrespectful. If I don’t speak up and state my needs, I will surely grow resentful. And when resentment grows acts and feelings of love diminish.

I read something the other day about how therapy is helping people create strict boundaries with their families. It made me think about the point of boundaries (better relationships) and how the way we set them is paramount to creating either an increased connection to others or to creating more distance. When a boundary is set from a place of anger, then it will be felt as aggression. Ask yourself, How can I say what I need from a caring place? When we wait too long to speak our truth you can bet on our communications being laced with hostility.

So we can keep getting rid of all these people that bother us. Or we can look at our part in these relationships and make a shift.

Have I been clear about what I need and want? Can I respect that my needs may not align with what someone else has to give? If our aim is to come from love this means to accept people as they are, today. This does not mean we need to stay close to them if it's hurting us.

The ability to love is created within. This is empowering. So what feels like love inside of you? When a relationship is hurting, can you gather the courage to communicate this?