Impermanence Anxiety

Why Our Brains Don’t Like Change 

So why do we stay in situations where we are suffering or hold onto things and relationships that have ended? There are a few reasons why our brains resist change so much. For one, our brain has a negativity bias. Negativity bias is an evolutionary protective mechanism: by focusing on threats and what might go wrong, we can ensure that we are protected from injury or pain in the future. To our minds, predictability is the same as safety. Our brains have been wired over repeated patterns of experience to develop neural pathways to predict certain events. So when a spanner is thrown in the works, the brain is unprepared because the neural pathways for what our new lives may look like are underdeveloped. The brain loves homeostasis, and it is going to do everything it can to motivate you to make things return to normal. 

The Influence of Capitalism and Heteronormativity on Our Collective Attitude Towards Change 

But what if returning to normal creates even more suffering than accepting the change? And even if we know this, why do so many of us still try to hold onto the past? Part of why we resist change so much, even if it might benefit us, is because of the cultural values that we are steeped in since birth (at least for those of us born in the United States). We’ve been raised in a culture that uplifts capitalist values: efficiency, assertiveness, force, and domination. Capitalism is the ultimate representation of the status quo, and power benefits from systems remaining unchanged. It is not a system built to withstand change and flexibility: it is an inherently rigid system that celebrates tradition, forcefulness, and urgency. A rejection of change is imbued in all of us because being open to change involves an openness to a change in systems. Capitalism, and the heteronormative culture that is a product of capitalism, is a tool for control. And control is antithetical to accepting impermanence. 

Queerness as a Pathway to Acceptance 

The concept of queerness is deeply threatening to capitalism and the heteronormative culture that supports it. Queerness involves a rejection of tradition or normativity. Queerness encourages us to think beyond neat categories of thinking and defining ourselves and the world. Queerness is dynamic, fluid, and even messy. But that messiness is exactly where humanness lies. Capitalism and heteronormativity attempt to force the messiness, and therefore the humanness, out of us. We are expected to be perfect, predictable, and sorted into tidy categories (think: gender binary) so we can maximize our productivity and file neatly into the system. In order for us to fit into heteronormativity, we have been raised to become disconnected from ourselves. We have been raised to become disconnected from our bodies telling us, even yelling at us sometimes, that certain things are not working for us any longer. For example, I’ve witnessed folks raised as women attempt to force romantic relationships to work despite every nerve in their body firing trying to tell them that this is not what their soul truly desires. Resisting change and new modes of being is a process that cuts us off from aliveness and becoming truly embodied. Embracing change, and becoming embodied and returning home to ourselves, becomes an act of queer resistance. 

3 Methods for Opening to Change: Radical Acceptance, Malleable Self-Concepts, and Reconnecting to Our Bodies 

Opening to change requires an understanding that the nature of life is change. It is natural for things to live and die, to run their course, or to evolve into something new. One concept that can support this perspective shift is the idea of Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance is a concept coined by Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy framework and whose work is guided by Buddhist philosophy. Radical Acceptance involves a clear awareness of the present moment coupled with an attitude of nonjudgement and compassion. Adopting an attitude of Radical Acceptance can look like approaching our emotions with neutrality and curiosity (and avoiding labeling any one emotion as “bad” or “good”). Radical Acceptance is not the same as resignation, but rather a surrender to the natural and inescapable ebbs and flows of life. 

Now with the concept of Radical Acceptance, I want to include the caveat that we are not suggesting that folks become accepting of discrimination or oppression. Rather, Radical Acceptance can be used as a tool to become grounded in the reality of our circumstances in order to move forward from a place where we feel deeply rooted in our values of liberation and equity. 

We can also become more open to impermanence when we allow our self-concept to be malleable. So much of the time, we can become fixed in how we define or label ourselves. We can label ourselves as “hard-working,” for example, which can result in a deep sense of dread when we don’t check off everything on our to-do list. Or someone who identifies as a man can label themselves as “gay,” and experience severe stress if they find themselves experiencing attraction to someone who identifies as a woman. When we open to the possibility that we are fluid, dynamic, and ever-changing beings, we don’t become so overwhelmed when unexpected shifts in identity occur. 

Lastly, we can practice reconnecting with our bodies and somatic experiences. When we are resistant to reality, we may experience physical sensations such as tightness in our chest, “mushy” brains, and tension in our shoulders and facial muscles. Accepting impermanence does not mean completely getting rid of uncomfortable feelings; but rather, it involves an ability to sit with the physical discomfort of disappointment, grief, anxiety, or frustration instead of trying to push it away or hating it. And once an acceptance of the present moment is reached, we learn to create space for uncomfortable feelings (such as anxiety) which in turn produces sensations of expansion and spaciousness that can exist alongside the pain. 

Closing Remarks 

The following excerpt comes from a poem written by the late queer poet, Andrea Gibson: 

“Just to be clear, I don't want to get out without a broken heart. I intend to leave this life so shattered there better be a thousand separate heavens for all my flying parts.” 

The reason why I love this excerpt so much is because it moves beyond simply accepting pain to embracing pain. Take a moment and imagine what it might feel like if you were to welcome pain and heartbreak into your life as a form of meaning-making. Capitalism attempts to convince us that we need to avoid pain at all costs, and the way to escape pain is through controlling our experiences and relationships. Being so welcoming of change and growth pains is in direct opposition to this capitalism project. 

In my own practice, I have learned that the controlling self is a false refuge. True safety lies in my ability to trust that I can survive the discomfort of pain and greet the unknown firmly rooted in love. And witnessing my client’s courage and openness to this process has been an endless source of inspiration for me as well. In sum, I invite folks reading to consider embracing change as a distinctly queer project: to allow ourselves the gift of loving and connecting deeply, without the limits of fear of pain. We deserve the freedom to un-shield and unprotect our hearts to relish in the fullness of our queerness.