Table of Contents
The Male Loneliness Crisis
"Be a Man": Messages That Stick
When Emotions Get Shut Down
Masculinity in Queer Spaces
Why Connection Feels So Hard
Redefining What It Means to Be a Man
Many men grow up hearing similar messages.
These messages shape how men relate to emotions, vulnerability, and connection. To talk about the male loneliness epidemic requires us to examine the narrow definition of masculinity we often see in the Western world and the ways this definition impacts men.
Growing up socialized as a man and later working as a therapist with men in the LGBTQ+ community have revealed shared experiences and interpersonal patterns that are both potent and often overlooked. I’ve observed that masculinity, loneliness, and the nature of relationships among men in the LGBTQ+ community contribute to dynamics that foster self-blame, self-silencing, and limiting beliefs.
Before diving into masculinity, it’s important to clarify that I am speaking about a narrowed, Westernized definition of masculinity. I am not condemning masculinity, nor am I condemning men. Instead, I hope to offer a reframe of how gender—particularly masculinity—has impacted men and how it is something people are capable of redefining.
I want to begin by offering a few phrases that reflect this form of masculinity. These are often used by men and directed toward men:
I want to begin by offering a few phrases that reflect this form of masculinity. These are often used by men and directed toward men:
"Boys don't cry"
"Be a man"
"Don't be a sissy"
“Real men don’t ask for help”
“No homo”
These phrases are typically used when people socialized as men do not live in alignment with traditional masculinity. They send clear messages: emotions are unmanly, there is pressure to be brave and responsible, femininity is associated with queerness, and vulnerability or intimacy are associated with weakness.
In 2026, our ideas about gender have expanded. Today, some might scoff or roll their eyes at statements like these. However, words carry meaning, and the repeated use of these phrases throughout history has instilled powerful ideas about what masculinity is—and what it is not.
Lessons Learned From a Young Age
As early as elementary school, I remember feeling “different.” I played with the girls at school, preferred Barbies over toys associated with boys, and secretly put on my mother’s makeup in the mirror. I didn’t know what being gay meant at such a young age, but somehow I knew what “being a man” was and was not. To be the latter meant a difficult road ahead.
Throughout elementary and middle school, boys and girls often begin to separate. Interests diverge, gender rules solidify, and social masks begin to form. Boys are taught to be tough, brave, proud, aggressive, and independent. Hierarchies and power structures often develop around these traits.
Many queer children experience ridicule, ostracization, and bullying—often before they fully understand why. Before sexuality is recognized or embodied, a boy may already learn that femininity, intimacy, softness, and vulnerability are weak, lesser, or even unsafe.
Unfortunately, I have seen this experience replicated across many gay men who walk into therapy. While this experience is not uncommon for queer people, I have seen gay men laugh off or brush past traumatic experiences from childhood. This often reflects the “strength” men are expected to have.
As a protective mechanism learned from a young age, gay men can still embody the lessons of masculinity that once prevented connection and fostered violence toward them.
Masculinity in the United States
A quick Google search defines Western masculinity as: “A socially constructed set of ideals traditionally emphasizing strength, stoicism, independence, and breadwinning. It often prizes assertiveness, competitiveness, and dominance while discouraging vulnerability or emotional expression.”
Masculinity itself is not inherently toxic. However, neglecting vulnerability, emotional expression, and softness can come with real costs for men.
Some of these costs may include:
Vulnerability disguised as strength
Difficulty expressing or understanding emotions
Higher rates of substance use, violence, and suicide
Lower likelihood of seeking mental health support
Increased violence and aggression toward gay men
Narrow forms of masculinity can also emphasize sex, domination, power, and independence. Unbalanced expressions of masculinity are still often prized in our culture and may appear subtly within the LGBTQ+ community as well.
This can show up through sexual conquests, locker-room talk, gym and body image obsession, or emotional stoicism. As I reflected on my own gender and its impact in the therapy space, I began noticing patterns in my clients. Emotions often feel distant or foggy. Empathy can feel uncomfortable. Tears are withheld. Anger may appear where sadness exists, and annoyance can cover grief. An “it is what it is” attitude sometimes seems embedded in many men. My experience in the therapy room has also acted as a mirror, reflecting my own discomfort around vulnerability with other men.
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Masculinity in Therapy
My perceived masculinity and appearance influence how others—and even I—communicate. As a man, when was the last time you cried with another man? How often do two men cry together? Despite my own gender identity, my appearance can serve as a reminder of how men often relate to one another. A lack of vulnerability between men in my own life—and in many queer people’s lives—can perpetuate disconnection. Masculinity appears both implicitly and explicitly in the therapy space. As a counselor, I’ve felt the pressure of masculinity and conformity arise in many men. This pressure can show up in different ways: conflict or disappointment from a father, expectations of financial success, clothing choices, code-switching, or an inner critic tasked with maintaining a masculine image. Many men come to believe these struggles are personal faults to be fixed or hidden rather than systemic pressures that can be explored and reworked. Systemic expectations around masculinity can separate men from themselves and from one another.
Today, we may intellectually recognize that gender expression is fluid and that femininity is not weakness. But can we emotionally and socially recognize the pressure to conform to and perform masculinity?
Here are a few reflection questions to explore how traditional masculinity may influence you:
Are there men you can talk openly with about your feelings?
When do you feel pressure to appear strong?
How do you associate your body with masculinity?
Is there pressure to perform sex in a masculine way?
Is your sense of self-worth tied to your number of partners?
Reframing Masculinity
As I became more curious about the gender ideals instilled in me, I began discovering new perspectives on gender. Gender is something both placed upon us and shaped by us. Many cultures reflect this through alternative gender expressions, shifting gender roles, and historical recognition of more than two genders. Traits traditionally labeled masculine—such as strength, resilience, and assertiveness—have fueled civil rights movements, entrepreneurship, innovation, and education. They have been used by people of all genders. Traits traditionally labeled feminine—such as caregiving, empathy, and emotional presence—have helped facilitate healing, build relationships, and foster community. These traits also exist across all genders.
History shows us that gender traits are not owned by any one group. They are human capacities capable of balance and integration. If gender is something we can craft, how can we redefine our relationship with it? What aspects of masculinity feel important or missing? What aspects of femininity might also be important in your life? Healthy masculinity is not about abandoning masculinity. It means allowing masculinity to include the full range of human experience: strength, care, connection, and emotional depth.
Redefining Your Relationship with Masculinity
Here are ten practices that may help expand your relationship with masculinity:
Recognize and name emotions. Practice acknowledging feelings such as sadness, fear, or overwhelm.
Take what resonates and leave the rest. Masculinity can include empowering qualities like responsibility, leadership, protection, and resilience.
Integrate strength with compassion. Stand up for others while offering empathy.
Take responsibility for growth. Healthy masculinity includes accountability and repairing harm when it occurs.
Explore a wider range of interests. Consider hobbies or creative outlets that may challenge traditional expectations.
Accept vulnerability. Share fears, insecurities, or emotional pain with trusted people.
Build emotionally supportive friendships. Check in on friends, talk about struggles, and express appreciation.
Ask for help. Seek support from therapy, friends, or community when needed.
Integrate masculine and feminine traits. Everyone has the capacity for assertiveness, nurturing, emotional awareness, and protection.
Stay curious. Continue questioning where beliefs about gender come from and whether they align with your values.
To redefine gender is to recognize that it is constructed, adaptable, and ultimately malleable.
Masculinity in Therapy
My perceived masculinity and appearance influence how others—and even I—communicate. As a man, when was the last time you cried with another man? How often do two men cry together? Despite my own gender identity, my appearance can serve as a reminder of how men often relate to one another. A lack of vulnerability between men in my own life—and in many queer people’s lives—can perpetuate disconnection. Masculinity appears both implicitly and explicitly in the therapy space. As a counselor, I’ve felt the pressure of masculinity and conformity arise in many men. This pressure can show up in different ways: conflict or disappointment from a father, expectations of financial success, clothing choices, code-switching, or an inner critic tasked with maintaining a masculine image. Many men come to believe these struggles are personal faults to be fixed or hidden rather than systemic pressures that can be explored and reworked. Systemic expectations around masculinity can separate men from themselves and from one another.
Today, we may intellectually recognize that gender expression is fluid and that femininity is not weakness. But can we emotionally and socially recognize the pressure to conform to and perform masculinity?
Here are a few reflection questions to explore how traditional masculinity may influence you:
Are there men you can talk openly with about your feelings?
When do you feel pressure to appear strong?
How do you associate your body with masculinity?
Is there pressure to perform sex in a masculine way?
Is your sense of self-worth tied to your number of partners?
Reframing Masculinity
As I became more curious about the gender ideals instilled in me, I began discovering new perspectives on gender. Gender is something both placed upon us and shaped by us. Many cultures reflect this through alternative gender expressions, shifting gender roles, and historical recognition of more than two genders. Traits traditionally labeled masculine—such as strength, resilience, and assertiveness—have fueled civil rights movements, entrepreneurship, innovation, and education. They have been used by people of all genders. Traits traditionally labeled feminine—such as caregiving, empathy, and emotional presence—have helped facilitate healing, build relationships, and foster community. These traits also exist across all genders.
History shows us that gender traits are not owned by any one group. They are human capacities capable of balance and integration. If gender is something we can craft, how can we redefine our relationship with it? What aspects of masculinity feel important or missing? What aspects of femininity might also be important in your life? Healthy masculinity is not about abandoning masculinity. It means allowing masculinity to include the full range of human experience: strength, care, connection, and emotional depth.
Redefining Your Relationship with Masculinity
Here are ten practices that may help expand your relationship with masculinity:
Recognize and name emotions. Practice acknowledging feelings such as sadness, fear, or overwhelm.
Take what resonates and leave the rest. Masculinity can include empowering qualities like responsibility, leadership, protection, and resilience.
Integrate strength with compassion. Stand up for others while offering empathy.
Take responsibility for growth. Healthy masculinity includes accountability and repairing harm when it occurs.
Explore a wider range of interests. Consider hobbies or creative outlets that may challenge traditional expectations.
Accept vulnerability. Share fears, insecurities, or emotional pain with trusted people.
Build emotionally supportive friendships. Check in on friends, talk about struggles, and express appreciation.
Ask for help. Seek support from therapy, friends, or community when needed.
Integrate masculine and feminine traits. Everyone has the capacity for assertiveness, nurturing, emotional awareness, and protection.
Stay curious. Continue questioning where beliefs about gender come from and whether they align with your values.
To redefine gender is to recognize that it is constructed, adaptable, and ultimately malleable.
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Want more content like this?
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