Table of Contents
Shame as a Social and Evolutionary Emotion
When Rejection of Queerness Turns Shame Toxic
How Shame Lies to Us About Who We Are
Five Common Lies That Shame Tells Us
Bringing the Shame Voice Into Consciousness
From Isolation and Self-Attack to Compassion and Connection
Shame is a natural human emotion and is inherently social like every other emotion. The purpose of shame is to keep us in the tribe, and therefore to keep us alive. It tells us that we are doing something that puts us at risk for rejection or abandonment by the collective, and encourages us to reflect and address that thing or behavior in order to stay in the tribe.
Think of a dog who has gone to the bathroom in the wrong place, and then is called out by his owner. Shame typically takes over for a few moments; the dog bows their head, shuts down emotionally, and in that shut down, has some mental space to reflect on what they have done wrong (ideally). Or in humans, think of someone being physically violent with others. The reactions of the people around them would usually cause that person to feel shame, thus shutting down their aggressive emotions, separating them from others, and leading them to reflect on the risk associated with their actions, and change. Shame doesn’t always play out this way, but these are examples of the ideal evolutionary purpose of shame, which is important to keep in mind.
Shame inhibits our other emotions, causing us to droop our heads and shut down inside. In that shut down state, shame invites us to reflect and change. The problem is when something inherent to who we are is rejected by the tribe, and therefore labeled as something that needs to be changed, triggering shame that cannot resolve itself. This is when healthy shame turns into toxic shame.
We all grew up in a collective that rejected queerness to some degree, whether through pressuring us to be straight or pressuring us to fit into a gender binary.
This set up a dynamic where our shame lies to us.
It tells us we need to change something that cannot and should not be changed. It mislabels our most powerful and expansive parts as problems to be fixed. The shame is carrying out its evolutionary purpose, but the homophobia and transphobia of the collective have steered it in a harmful and toxic direction.
Since we received these shame inducing messages so early and consistently, there can be a cycle of shut down, repression, and social withdrawal that is so deeply held we aren’t even aware that it’s there. We often end up building our lives and identities on top of this cycle, and it can inform many of our decisions and relationships.
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5 common lies that shame tells us
There’s something wrong with me
A nebulous feeling that something is off deep inside of us. This can dial in on specific parts of us such as a body part, or can feel pervasive to our whole being. This is an unresolved shame loop that traces back to a young age when our authentic selves were incorrectly labeled as wrong by the collective.
It’s my fault
When something doesn’t go our way, our shame often tells us it’s all our fault even when objectively we might know that it isn’t and that most of what happened was out of our control.
I am not enough / I am unloveable
Shame tells us that we need to compensate and overperform because at our core we are not enough and therefore unloveable. The messages we received early in life about our queerness caused an internal shutdown, and a focus on compensation for the sake of survival.
I’m broken / It’s always going to be this way
Shame convinces us that this is a permanent state, and that we are therefore broken and incapable of healing. It makes sense that this loop of permanence takes over given that shame is telling us to change something we cannot and should not change.
I can’t share this with others
Shame thrives in isolation, it breaks the interpersonal bridge by convincing us that sharing the truth would result in rejection. It invites personal reflection, but since there is nothing to reflect on and change in the case of queer shame, the call to isolation is toxic to our mental health.
So how do we deal with these lies and break the pattern of misdirected shame?
The first step is to bring our shame voice into consciousness. Sometimes this voice goes so against the way we would like to view ourselves, or the self that we project to the world, that we repress the shame voice into our unconscious. We need to accept that the shame voice is there, invite it into conscious awareness, and share it with trusted others.
From there it’s important not to buy into the lies and go into fix it mode, but you also don’t want to ignore them completely and repress them.
You want to hear that shame voice inside of you and try to create some internal distance from it. You are not your shame, your shame is a part of you that is active right now.
You want to invite compassion in as opposed to repeating the pattern of homophobic rejection. Compassion is a muscle that we build up over time. In moments when you attack yourself and feel the hot wash of shame fall over you, try repeating the following:
This is a part of me.
It is not all of me.
It’s trying to help me to survive, but it’s been steered in the wrong direction.
There is nothing inherently wrong with me.
I’m in pain, and it’s okay to feel pain.
It might just feel like words at first, but over time you will build up the ability to care for yourself instead of attacking yourself.
You also want to break the pattern of isolation that shame encourages. Share your pain with others, even if it seems scary and “wrong”. Some won’t be able to show up for you, but others will, and you’ll begin to develop a compass for where to invest your energy.
From alone and attacking the self, we slowly transition to connected and compassionate. We will always have moments when we fall back into old patterns, but our baseline becomes more loving and less ashamed.
And in the times when shame isn’t present, work on expanding your queerness. Build more authentic relationships, follow your passions, experiment, and have fun.
5 common lies that shame tells us
There’s something wrong with me
A nebulous feeling that something is off deep inside of us. This can dial in on specific parts of us such as a body part, or can feel pervasive to our whole being. This is an unresolved shame loop that traces back to a young age when our authentic selves were incorrectly labeled as wrong by the collective.
It’s my fault
When something doesn’t go our way, our shame often tells us it’s all our fault even when objectively we might know that it isn’t and that most of what happened was out of our control.
I am not enough / I am unloveable
Shame tells us that we need to compensate and overperform because at our core we are not enough and therefore unloveable. The messages we received early in life about our queerness caused an internal shutdown, and a focus on compensation for the sake of survival.
I’m broken / It’s always going to be this way
Shame convinces us that this is a permanent state, and that we are therefore broken and incapable of healing. It makes sense that this loop of permanence takes over given that shame is telling us to change something we cannot and should not change.
I can’t share this with others
Shame thrives in isolation, it breaks the interpersonal bridge by convincing us that sharing the truth would result in rejection. It invites personal reflection, but since there is nothing to reflect on and change in the case of queer shame, the call to isolation is toxic to our mental health.
So how do we deal with these lies and break the pattern of misdirected shame?
The first step is to bring our shame voice into consciousness. Sometimes this voice goes so against the way we would like to view ourselves, or the self that we project to the world, that we repress the shame voice into our unconscious. We need to accept that the shame voice is there, invite it into conscious awareness, and share it with trusted others.
From there it’s important not to buy into the lies and go into fix it mode, but you also don’t want to ignore them completely and repress them.
You want to hear that shame voice inside of you and try to create some internal distance from it. You are not your shame, your shame is a part of you that is active right now.
You want to invite compassion in as opposed to repeating the pattern of homophobic rejection. Compassion is a muscle that we build up over time. In moments when you attack yourself and feel the hot wash of shame fall over you, try repeating the following:
This is a part of me.
It is not all of me.
It’s trying to help me to survive, but it’s been steered in the wrong direction.
There is nothing inherently wrong with me.
I’m in pain, and it’s okay to feel pain.
It might just feel like words at first, but over time you will build up the ability to care for yourself instead of attacking yourself.
You also want to break the pattern of isolation that shame encourages. Share your pain with others, even if it seems scary and “wrong”. Some won’t be able to show up for you, but others will, and you’ll begin to develop a compass for where to invest your energy.
From alone and attacking the self, we slowly transition to connected and compassionate. We will always have moments when we fall back into old patterns, but our baseline becomes more loving and less ashamed.
And in the times when shame isn’t present, work on expanding your queerness. Build more authentic relationships, follow your passions, experiment, and have fun.
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Want more content like this?
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Want more content like this?
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